Roy Keane reckons it’ll soon be a case of “Spot the Irishman” in the Ireland team. Too many journeymen footballers, he says, are declaring new-found Irishness in a bid for international glory – and if not glory, a bit of recognition, no doubt with future contract negotiations in mind. It got us thinking: who are the worst “Fake Irishmen” to have worn the green?
With Paul Green having come in from the wilderness to act the imposter in Giovanni Trapattoni’s midfield, and charlatans like Jamie O’Hara and Jermaine Pennant seemingly keen on a place in the Irish set-up now that all hope of England recognition has gone, it got us thinking – who are the worst non-Irish “Irishmen” to have worn the green down the years?
We’re not thinking of those who may have been born outside Ireland to proud Irish families – Paul McGrath, David O’Leary, Kevin Kilbane and Stephen McPhail spring to mind – or others with a strong and cherished Irish heritage, such as our current “Scots”, Aiden McGeady and James McCarthy.
No, we’re talking the ones for whom wearing an Ireland jersey was more about attempted personal advancement than any tangible links with our fair aul’ isle. And about whom we allowed ourselves a wry chuckle when those attempts at personal advancement fell flat.
We pooled our resources – thank you, Facebook and Twitter buddies – and have come up with an XI. See what you think.
1. Keith Branagan
In the 20-plus years of Packie Bonner-Shay Given stranglehold, a number of goalkeepers have come and gone without making much of an impression. Few cast as slight a shadow as the Bolton goalkeeper, whose solitary international appearance came in a typically dull friendly against Wales in 1997.
2. Alex Bruce
The son of a Manchester United serial title-winner, Alex Bruce certainly had the pedigree to succeed. Was eligible for both the North and the Republic, but rumours that he (a) checked the Fifa world rankings or (b) tossed a coin, are said to be unfounded. Even now, you suspect his fat, crockety father would still run rings around him in the Bruce back garden.
3. Paul Butler
Butler, who qualified for Ireland by marriage, was heralded by then Ireland manager Mick McCarthy as a potential star recruit to the Irish defence. Following up the generation which included Kevin Moran, David O’Leary, Paul McGrath and McCarthy himself was never going to be easy, but it shouldn’t have been this hard.
Forty-five minutes in, it was all over, and Butler could slip back into the shadows, his only souvenirs of an international career being a sweat-stained No 4 shirt and recurring nightmares about a giant Czech.
4. Terry Mancini
Legend has it that Mancini, following a particularly baleful rendition of “Amhrán na bhFiann” ahead of his first appearance for Ireland, turned to his teammates and said something along the lines of, “I hope our one’s not that long.”
That was probably the stand-out moments in his five caps, although he did end his international tenure on a low note with a red card against the Soviet Union in 1974.
5. Phil Babb
As Irish as a mash-up of frogs’ legs and sushi, Babb looked like a world-beater at USA ’94, where his performances were enough to prompt Liverpool to splash out a considerable £3.6m for his services a couple of months later. It soon became apparent, though, that Paul McGrath’s genius had rubbed off on the Babbster that summer. Put plainly, a fluffy mascot stuffed with breadcrumbs would’ve looked good alongside Ooh Ah in 1994.
6. Paul Green
The only one of this team who’s still playing (we’re not counting Norwegian second division reserve team football…), Green arrived on the scene early last year when a rake of withdrawals from the despised end-of-season friendlies gave him his chance. Irish in name only, the Derby County midfielder can also play “at right back in emergencies”. To be honest, though, even having him on the field is an emergency in itself.
7. Gary Waddock
The most capped of our misfits, Waddock won 21 caps for Ireland, although the fact that it took him ten years to do so suggests that he was never exactly first-choice. Born in London, he spent most of his playing career in the English capital, apart from a spell in the Belgian league and the odd trip across the Irish Sea. Probably best remembered for being dropped – he was named in Jack Charlton’s original squad for the 1990 World Cup but was subsequently axed.
8. Mike Milligan
No, not Spike. This is Mike, of Oldham Athletic “fame” in the early 1990s. A curly-haired, faintly balding and fully forgettable midfielder, Milligan made one appearance for Ireland under Jack Charlton.
9. Joe Lapira
The winner of the Hermann Trophy, no less – don’t ask, we’re not sure – Lapira was plucked from obscurity by Steve Staunton during the summer friendly internationals in the US in 2007. After a bit of aimless, floppy-haired running about, Lapira disappeared once again. Demonstrated his Irish heritage by turning up at Rangers for a trial, but missed out on a contract there and last we heard he was somewhere in rural Norway.
10. Jon Goodman
Goodman’s rise in the late 1990s was more dead fish than flying fish, but in an era when Mick McCarthy was throwing caps around like snuff at a wake, a handful of top flight goals and a tenuous Irish heritage was always going to be enough to get a call-up. The Wimbledon striker won four caps and scored one goal.
No, Jon. We don’t know how you got here either.
11. Eddie McGoldrick
Small and chunky, Eddie McGoldrick (pictured top with two other contenders for this XI, Tommy Coyne and Alan Kernaghan) is described on his Wikipedia page as having played “Winger, Central Midfielder, Right Back, Sweeper”, which is sort of a career graph in itself. Still, he played for Arsenal, perhaps the slickest and most entertaining club in Europe (did someone say they used to be boring?), and won 15 Ireland caps, so he can’t have been too bad, can he?
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