Mystery still surrounds what actually happened in the whole Carlos Tevez affair last week, but the man himself revealed his side of the story exclusively to JOE.ie.
Haallo, my name is Carlos and you may know me from such things as the West Ham United, Manchester United, Manchester City and the back pages of all the English newspapers. I’m a simple Argentine boy who loves his family, money, football, money and of course the fans. Now before you make up your mind about me please read my side of the story which I am exclusively and spoofingly giving to Joe.ie.
It was in August 2006 when my friend Javier and I first came on holiday to London, it was ever so good as we got to visit many football grounds including the Upton Park. Myself and Javier really liked this place so we were very happy when our uncle Kia Joorabchian said we could go in and play. A fresh start with a new pay cheque was what I needed as the silly people at Corinthians had been annoying me and I had been there nearly two years!
Other teams like The Manchester one, the Blue London one and The Tune Army were interested but when we met Mr Pardew he had a welcome sign on his office door so we felt very welcome. Javier knew so much more about The Hammers than me and spoke very highly of their dynamic captain Reo Coker. He also told the media that Anton Ferdinand was a well known player in Argentina and one with a great future. I had never heard of Anton but after seeing him play for the Queens Rangers I think Javier was right. Why are they called the Queens Rangers though? I’ve never seen her at a game.
It was not until after the game that I realised I’d been tricked by Kolarov and Zabaleta. El Bastardos!
West Ham is a great club and I’ve always had a close relationship with their fans but when my team mates tried to make me wear a Brazil jersey I knew it was time to leave. I did this for my family and the love of football and money. So I called Kia and said I need a new challenge and he said what about the red Manchester one? Cool, I thought as I look good in red and my family would like to see me wear this colour. Kia sorted it all out and a new pay cheque was coming in no time.
The Manchester Red was great for me and I won some shiny silver pots while I was there, but football isn’t all about success and trophies. What it’s really about is being happy personally and not listening to any one else, except maybe my family and Kia or sometimes in my dreams money talks to me and I listen then too.
I was nearly there 18 months when I felt the urge to move on, a part of me was surprised it took this long but when it happened I asked Kia to not make a big deal of it and perhaps allow me to leave quietly. This is why I picked the blue Manchester for a new pay cheque as it was close by and I thought it would not cause too much noise.
I was sad to leave the Manchester Red as I had always had a great relationship with the fans. I was also sad to leave my friends Evra and Ji Sung behind as we were the three amigos. We didn’t understand each other but we always had a bond of friendship and love which are different and not as strong as the bond I have to my money. The red nose manager was not so happy with me but what did he expect? I had played for him for two whole years. Two full years of kicking a ball around really takes it out of me and I had to move. Plus the money in my dream said it was time for a new beginning.
Me and Pat in happier times at the Manchester Red
When I signed for the Blue Manchester I felt very welcome and quickly struck up a good relationship with the fans but one thing that they did confused me. They set up a billboard of me celebrating a goal and it said “Welcome to Manchester”. Why did they do this? I had already lived in Manchester for two years!
This is one of the many things in English football that confuse me. Another thing is all the times I’ve played against Newcastle. I have listened to the crowd sing every time I play there but they don’t seem to be in tune at all, so why call them the tune army? I asked Rodney Marsh about this and he told me it was got to do with a big wave? He’s a funny man.
The Blue Manchester was great to start with, I scored lots of goals and got really good money but after around 18 months that same old feeling came on me and it was time to think about moving. I realise it may seem silly that after almost five years of living in England it was now that I started to miss my family, but this is the truth.
My daughters and my wife could easily live in Manchester and have a great life with me but its not a nice place to live. There are no good Spanish Restaurants, the movies in the picture houses are in English and it rains too much. Yes I know it actually rains more where I am from in Argentina than it does in Manchester but at least there are Spanish Restaurants and I can understand how people speak.
The Manchester Red was great for me and I won some shiny silver pots while I was there, but football isn’t all about success and trophies.
Lots of my team mates have told me to get Rosetta Stone for my language problems but I think my wife would be jealous if I spent so much time with another lady. No, Manchester for me was now done and I asked Kia if I could quietly move on with respect for the fans, which I have always had a close relationship with.
Sadly for me I haven’t got to leave Manchester yet and am still playing for the blue ones. This week people have accused me of being unprofessional and not coming off the bench to play against Munich. I can exclusively reveal now what happened. I got up from my seat to warm up and when I sat back down Zabaleta and Kolarov were having a joke about something.
They said that Mancini said I didn’t like the fans and the only way to prove I did was to stay on the bench. This horrified me and frightened me more than the time I thought I’d lost a fiver. I have always had a good relationship with the fans and so knew I must remain in my seat until the match was over. It was not until after the game that I realised I’d been tricked by Kolarov and Zabaleta. El Bastardos!
I’ve been suspended from the Blue Manchester for two weeks and the media has gone loco about me. Mick McCarthy from the Wild-Dogs said he would have left me in Munich and not allowed me to return to England. I actually agree as I have always hade a great respect for Munich as a club and get on greatly with their fans.
And so that’s my story, I was tricked into some things, its not reasonable to expect men to play for a club longer than two years, I love my family, I’m afraid of Ms Rosetta Stone and like to make money playing football. Lots of questions will be on my mind during my two weeks off. Where will I next make my money? Will I want my family close to me? Will they have Spanish Restaurants? And most importantly, will I be able to strike up a good relationship with the fans from day one?
Of course the answer to the last question is yes as the fans see a lot of themselves in me. I work hard sometimes, get paid way too much money and have no respect for anyone but myself.
I am Carlos, hear me roar….
Darragh Harkin
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