This week sees the 10th anniversary of the workplace smoking ban coming into effect in Ireland. We list some of the things you are most likely to hear in the smoking section of a pub.
‘I only smoke when I’m drinking’
These are the words of a smoker in denial. Smokers who insist that they only smoke when they are drinking are usually the ones who are always drinking, ergo…..
‘Who is minding the coats?’
That moment of sheer blind panic when everyone is out for a fag and the cold realisation hits hard that nobody is minding their coats and possessions inside the pub. Usually followed by the loud exclamation ‘JAYZUS!!!’ and a bit of a stampede back indoors.
‘Had to get out of there, he/she is doing my nut in’
The person who utters this is usually on a first date and has taken up smoking at that precise moment to escape the tedium of their date. The smoking area has become an escape route for many a poor date.
‘Do you have a light?’
Lots of people smoke, but lots of smokers forget to bring an essential tool of the smoking process, the igniter, the lighter. If a guy asks, you hand him the lighter. If a girl asks and you fancy her, you will light it for her and display your chivalrous charms to the max.
‘Do you know anything about heaters?’
Any smoking area worth it’s salt has to have a pretty good outdoor heating system. Quite often though, the heaters are turned off and thus begins the quest to find someone who has outdoor heater knowledge or to put it simply, knows where the on/off button is.
‘Hey, how you doing?’
The smoking area has become a pretty potent area for the pick up-merchants. Many a romance has had it’s origins in the smoking section. Couples united in their love for tobacco. It might be the lack of pumping music allowing people to have audible conversations, it might be meeting like-minded people, but there is no denying that the smoking area is becoming one of the best places to meet people and get talking to them.
‘Have you tried those electronic cigarettes?’
Most smokers have tried different ways to quit smoking. Patches, hypnotherapy, tablets, acupuncture and now the e-cigarette craze is here. Everyone knows about them and everyone is a self-appointed expert in the field. Veteran smokers are quick to dismiss their powers. ‘It’s not the same’, ‘It’s like sucking on a straw’. It’s a regular conversation topic in the smoking area.
‘I hear the smokes are going up 800% in the budget’
This an old staple of the smoking area conversations. People always come up with completely hysterical rumours of the impending increase on the price of twenty cigarettes. Smokers are usually hit in the budget with price increases, but it’s the level of increase which populates the conversation in smoking areas. ‘They are violating our human rights! If I want to smoke, I should be able to without being persecuted financially every year.’
‘Just ask her!’
Usually said within a group of males who have convened in the smoking area to discuss potential romance targets inside the venue. The lads circle the one individual who is lacking confidence and needs the advice, and shout things like ‘Just ask her!’ or ‘Would you not wait till you see what she looks like in proper light?’
‘Did you see the match?’
Always a handy ice-breaker regardless of the day, week or month. There is never a time when there hasn’t been a match. It also helps you establish if this other person is a sporting fan which can lead into other conversations. However, if they say no, you know right there and then that this is a conversation going nowhere.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ podcast – listen to the latest episode now!
