Disclaimer: All of the following players certainly had plenty to offer – just not in the top flight of English football.
Two goals in 62 Premier League appearances for Hull City and Sunderland make Jozy Altidore, arguably, the worst striker in the history of the Premier League.
But he has some serious competition.
Stephane Guivarc’h
Four games for Newcastle. One goal. The French international arrived on Tyneside as a World Cup winner in the summer of 2008 but ended up at Rangers the following November (this was pre-transfer window).
Fared little better in Scotland before heading back to France and Auxerre, where the goals finally returned along with his reputation.
Sergei Rebrov
Reputations count for the square root of f**k all if you can’t settle in a new country, and Ukrainian Sergei Rebrov’s big money move to Spurs in 2000 proved less than successful.
He would score just ten goals in 60 matches for Tottenham before moving on to West Ham in the second tier, where he only scored once.
Andriy Shevchenko
At least Rebrov didn’t move to London with a reputation as the world’s best striker. Andrei Shevchenko’s move to Chelsea in 2006 but had already lost a yard or six of pace and was on the verge of his 30th birthday. It didn’t work out, the Ukrainian eventually shuffling back to Milan and ultimately home to Dynamo Kiev.
File under ‘pre-Fernando Torres Fernando Torres…’
Jo
Still, inexplicably, only 27-years-old and searching for a new club after his Brazilian club Atletico Mineiro let him go in November. To Jo’s credit, he redeemed his reputation in England somewhat with a half decent spell on loan at Everton, but the big money move to Manchester City did not work out.
He scored a single goal in 20 appearances for City, which probably means you shouldn’t mention his name if you ever find yourself in Noel Gallagher’s company.
Ade Akinbiyi
Dubbed ‘Akin-panic-biyi,’ to say he didn’t really work out as Emile Heskey’s replacement is a bit of an understatement. Missing four gilt-edged chances against Liverpool was the nadir of 58 appearances that brought just 11 top flight goals.
Steve Marlet
Another French international who arrived in the Premier League with a massive reputation in 2001, he ended up as a poor man’s Barry Hayles at Fulham and scored just six goals in his first season.
His signing led to the sacking of Jean Tigana, who was accused of taking a cut of Marlet’s fee for himself.
It ended well for nobody.
Afonso Alves
Proof positive that for every Wilfried Bony there are at least four imports from the Dutch league that don’t make it. Alves starred for Heerenveen but was absolutely rotten for Middlesbrough.
Alves scored just ten goals in 42 Premier League appearances before entering semi-retirement in Qatar.
Bosko Balaban
Earned £20,000 a week and played just 11 games in 18 months after joining in 2001, Bosko Balaban won’t go down as money well spent at Villa Park. He never started a single game in the league, making eight substitute appearances without finding the net. He made two appearances in the League Cup and the UEFA Cup, but failed to get on the score sheet in those competitions too.
Adrian Mutu
“If you ask me about Chelsea again, I will get up and leave. I don’t give a f***,” he said in an interview with Rory Smith of The Times last year.
Mutu actually had a half decent first season in London after joining in the summer of 2003, but a positive test for cocaine in September led to his sacking and the Blues suing him for an eight-figure sum that they’ll probably never get.
Stupid as Mutu was, the punishment seemed excessive.
Mateja Kezman
Played for Chelsea at the same time as Mutu with a massive reputation, having banged in the goals for PSV Eindhoven. His spell in the Premier League was so mediocre that he is frequently left off lists such as these, as journalists forget he ever actually played in England.
Scored seven times in 41 games.
Corrado Grabbi
Came with a big reputation from Ternana in the second tier of Italian football in 2001, and played like a player from the second tier of Italian football throughout his couple of years at Ewood Park. The fee of £7m might not seem huge now, but it was a massive gamble at the time that didn’t pay off.
David N’gog
The 25-year-old is now back in France with Stade de Reims after unsuccessful spells with Liverpool, Bolton and Swansea. Arrived at Anfield with a big reputation in 2008 but never had more than a bit part role behind Steven Gerrard, Dirk Kuyt and Fernando Torres.
N’gog is the cousin of Jean-Alain Boumsong, another Premier League flop.
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