Struggling to remember what’s happened so far? Don’t worry, we’ve got your back.
The brilliant House of Cards returns to Netflix for a third season today and we know you’re all as excited about it as we are.
Keen fans of the show will have started their preparation weeks ago by watching Seasons One and Two and timing it perfectly to coincide with the start of Season Three today.
However, we didn’t do it and some of you probably didn’t do it either, so here’s a quick run-through of all the important stuff to bring you up to speed before you settle on a nice spot on the couch and watch 13 episodes back to back.
Warning: The following article is full to the brim with spoilers. The title is a bit of a giveaway in that regard, but we feel the need to point it out just in case.
Season One
Frank Underwood is a ruthless bastard
A dog dying is a pretty inauspicious start to any television series and would put some people off right away, but it helps to establish the above sentiment immediately and it bears repeating: Frank Underwood is a ruthless bastard.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuDDiRN-9TA
By the end of the first episode, we’ve also been introduced to Frank’s wife Claire, the other half of the most cold and calculating marriage in television.
We also meet ambitious reporter Zoe Barnes and get an insight into the turbulent life of Peter Russo, an up and coming Congressman who’s caught drink driving with a prostitute, Rachel Posner (more on her later), in his car.
The foundations for what’s to come have been laid; now it’s time to start building.
Introducing Zoe and Peter
Like a lot of TV series, House of Cards has a fairly dramatic start and then burns slowly as it takes a number of episodes to set up some important plotlines and character developments.
Having been denied the Secretary of State position that he was promised by the President, Frank immediately goes about deviously plotting an alternative route up the ladder in Capitol Hill.
Like a Queen on a chessboard, Frank has any amount of pawns he can use and he finds two willing ones in the aforementioned Peter and Zoe. With Frank’s help, Peter launches a campaign to run for Governor of Pennsylvania and Zoe is becoming more and more influential amongst the fourth estate in Washington.
She’s also sleeping with Frank. Claire knows, but doesn’t really care as long as she doesn’t get in the way of his ascent to power in the White House.
Peter, we should point out, is not sleeping with Frank. He is, however, having a tricky time of overcoming his grá for a few pints and some Class A drugs.
When Peter and Zoe begin to get too big for their boots, Frank has no problem throwing them under the bus… almost literally, as we’ll soon find out.
Doug. Deadly, devious, Doug.
Frank also has his trusty aide Doug Stamper, but to call Doug a pawn would be to do a disservice to the one man in the show arguably prepared to get his hands even dirtier than Frank to help Frank get to where he wants to go.
Doug is a man seemingly so bereft of feeling that he could watch The Notebook, It’s a Wonderful Life and the scene in Armageddon when Bruce Willis saves Ben Affleck’s life – back-to-back – and not shed a single tear.
Even when he’s taking this piss, he’s deadly serious…
He’s almost more robot than man. But he’ll crack eventually. And how.
Where were we? Oh yeah, Frank deliberately undermines Peter by getting Doug to engineer a set-up in which Rachel – the prostitute, remember her? – gets him drunk before a live radio interview that destroys his chance of ever becoming Governor.
Frank then kills Peter and makes it look like a suicide.
Frank kill count: 1
By the end of the season, Frank has managed to become Vice President but Zoe, along with a couple of media pals (namely Janine and Lucas), have begun to suspect that he was up to no good and start sniffing around Rachel and also Frank’s possible role in Peter’s death.
A quick word here also for Raymond Tusk and Remy Danton, two powerhouse characters who we’re going to see a lot more of later on.
And also, a word for the ribs. Lovely, lovely ribs. Served by Freddy. We like Freddy.
Roll on Season Two.
Season Two
‘OH MY FU**ING GOD, WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K’ Moment One
There are two standout ‘OH MY FU**ING GOD, WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K’ moments in Season Two and the first of those arrives in the very first episode.
Remember we said something about Frank throwing people under a bus? Well, there’s no bus involved, but there is a metro train, which kills Zoe stone dead after Frank pushes her out in front of it.
Frank Kill count: 2
Why? Doug had become aware that Zoe and her colleagues were starting to find a lot of dirt when digging into the circumstances surrounding Peter’s death, and informed Frank that drastic action needed to be taken.
Frank being Frank, he took it. Doug and Frank also attempt to put Janine off the scent by sending her naked pictures of Zoe after her death. Janine is suitably sh*tting herself but another colleague, Lucas, who had been sleeping with Zoe before she died, will not be deterred.
Doug, meanwhile, arranges for Rachel to be relocated in an effort to get her out of the picture altogether. The problem is, he rather likes Rachel and this will lead to a lot of stress down the line.
After an explosive start, the pace drops a little for a while as Frank settles into the VP role and realises that with more power comes a little bit more responsibility.
The tussle with Tusk
His marriage to Claire is brought under the spotlight as Claire reveals to him that she was raped by a prominent military general years ago and eventually admits on live television that she had had an abortion.
Elsewhere, a trade dispute develops between USA and China and Frank is thrust right into the middle of it and right into what turns into a long battle with Tusk.
Tusk is a close friend of the President and a huge influence on him and possibly the only man more ruthless and power-hungry in the show than Frank himself.
Unlike some of his previous battles, this is not one Frank will win easily and the attempts by both to undermine the other makes for some gripping television for the most part of Season Two.
One of Tusk’s tactics, in co-operation with the scheming Remy Danton, is to publicly reveal details of Claire’s relationship with artist Adam Galloway.
Providing further proof that getting close to the Underwoods is a dangerous business, Adam is forced to say that a naked painting that he drew of Claire was fake and used as a publicity stunt to help his business.
Freddy gets fingered
“Hey, in this joint, I’m the President, the vice-President and the Congress; he’s just a customer.”
Adam, sadly, is not the only one who gets screwed as a result of his association with Frank and Claire. Our beloved Freddy, whose ribs business is thriving, is forced to go under after that bastard Remy, knowing how much regard Frank holds him in, leaks details of his criminal past.
Showing a human side for one of the only times in the show, Frank tries to offer financial aid to Freddy but Freddy is not one for sentimentality. He refuses the money, instantly ends their relationship and hurts Frank more than he’s prepared to let on.
Farewell Freddy, we hardly knew ye.
WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K MOMENT TWO
A man we haven’t mentioned to date is Edward Meechum, a bodyguard for the Underwoods initially hired as a temp only to be given the job permanently when he grew closer to them over time.
He grows a little too close, however.
Scratch that, he grows a lot too close, leading to one of the most toe-curling threesomes in the history of television as he acts as the meat in a Frank and Claire sandwich in a scene that came right out of the blue with no warning whatsoever.
GIF via vulture.com
Despite the seriousness of his character, Meechum was pretty likeable but from now on, he’ll be known as ‘the threesome guy’.
Frank wins
As the pace quickens towards the end of Season Two, Frank’s relationship with the President, as a result of his battle with Tusk, is hanging by a thread.
The President, embroiled in a public scandal and facing impeachment charges that were largely Frank’s doing, decides to resign and Frank is installed as President.
He has won. For now, at least.
With an investigation into the deaths of Zoe and Peter Russo gathering momentum behind the scenes, Doug tries to relocate Rachel once again.
This time he’s foiled as Rachel beats him to death (we think) with a brick; bricks obviously known as an implement of destruction ever since Father Jack left it lying around the house on Craggy Island.
With everything taken care of, all we need now is to see Frank finally take office, which he does in probably the best ending to a season since the finale of the Sopranos.
Yeah, we went there.
Enjoy Season Three folks.
You can watch Season Three of House of Cards on Netflix. Right now.
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