Which one are you?
We’ve all played alongside some unique characters in our under-age and senior football teams and there’s certain traits, characteristics and skills that you can easily associate with certain positions.
Here’s what we’ve come up with and let us know if there’s any that we left out. Take a look.
1) The angry at everything goalkeeper
All goalkeepers are crazy, we’ve discussed that at length here, but this writer thinks that most ‘keepers are also never happy.
If they’re too busy then they’ll let you know. This usually comes via a barrage of screams, abuse and insults that probably cause all defenders to react like this.
Even if the back-four have an amazing game and restrict the opposition to just one shot on target, the keeper will probably still feel angry that they had to do some work.
2) Hungover right-back
It’s an essential position on the pitch but the running joke in any team is that the full-back’s will seldom see as much action as others but sometimes that’s a good thing.
In my experience, it’s the No 2 that usually feels like they can indulge in ‘one for the road’ a few more times than others.
This being said, they’re usually more solid, tougher and fitter than the other players on the team so they can get away with having the smell of whiskey on their breath.
Then again, sometimes they can look a few yards off the pace. It usually ends up like this.
3) Pacy left-back that can’t defend
You know the type, someone who refers to themselves as a ‘converted winger ‘ rather than a natural defender.
Going forward they’re great and are usually the best dribblers on your team but when it comes to defending they’re a ticking timebomb that’s waiting to explode.
Here’s their best attempt at a tackle.
4) Tall centre-back that refuses to pass or run
These people like to claim that they can read the game expertly, the first five yards are in their head and that experience counts for everything.
What they don’t tell you is that they’re also praying that the opposition doesn’t have a quick centre-forward. They probably also nip off for a quick smoke at half-time also.
On the plus side, they’re usually the toughest, best organisers and bravest players in the team. Just don’t pass the ball to them, it usually ends up like this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUSpjZEhNU8
5) Quick centre-back that can’t think
The David Luiz of your team because they usually think, ‘”ah sure my pace will get me out of this one”.
As Eamon Dunphy would say, “they’re a headbanger Bill. He’s like Paul McShane on steroids”.
They’re always the person that shows up an hour late after the clocks go forward.
6) Hard as nails centre-midfielder
Any conversation with this player usually goes like this:
You: So Liam, what did you do last night?
Liam: Tackle.
You: So Liam, what do you make of this lot we’re playing against today?
Liam: More tackle.
You: Describe your second-touch?
Liam: Tackle.
They would rather do this than score a last-minute winner.
7) Technically gifted but whingy left-winger
A cultured left-foot usually means that this player will always get a game, they’re probably also the only person in your side that can beat their man and cross the ball, but they’re so fast that they usually cut the ball back to no one.
When it works it’s poetry in motion but when it doesn’t they usually have a Cristiano Ronaldo-esque strop.
8) The passing midfielder with awful injury problems
This is usually the fella on your team that had trials in England but saw their career cut short due to an unfortunate mix of injury, women and drink.
They’re still the best player in the side by a mile though because they can actually pass the ball and find space. They constantly refer to themselves as Pirlo-esque but clearly they’re not as cool.
It’s a shame that these No 8’s refuse to leave the centre-circle though and if they do then there’s a good chance that their hamstring might tear.
Who needs to run when you can pass a ball like this though?
9) Quick centre-forward that can’t finish
The pace of Javier Hernandez but the finishing of Emile Heskey.
They’ll probably be the youngest player in your team also, revel in outpacing the older members of your side in training and they also have no idea about the meaning of the words ‘link-up play’.
10) Tall centre-forward with a specific role
This player is in the team for the following:
1) Win flick-ons, 2) hold the ball up, 3) act as a make-shift defender for the last ten minutes if you’re side are winning.
Note that they’re not expected to score goals, not in a million years. Just like this guy.
11) The reliable but old right-winger
He’s the guy that your manager points out as the example to follow, the Ryan Giggs of your team if you will (apart from obvious discretions), because he keeps himself fit and gives an honest 90 minutes up and down the flank.
Just don’t make then run too much though.
Subs:
12) Honest defender i.e frequently injured
God love these players because they’re so honest that they would probably throw their body in front of a truck if they felt that they could stop it.
It’s a shame that they have more injuries than Darren Anderton, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and the entire Arsenal squad combined hence their position on the bench/ hospital.
13) Gary Doherty
The player that’s happy to play anywhere and refers to themselves as ‘a utility player’.
The reason why they haven’t nailed down a position is because there’s someone better than them in every other position but the manager doesn’t have the heart to tell them.
14) Luxury striker
You know the type, a player that scored one amazing goal in pre-season and can’t stop talking about it. They like to be called ‘ a classic number 10’ ie a lazy fecker that won’t track back if their life depended on it.
15) 2nd choice keeper/kitman/waterboy/groundsman
A training cone or bib has more chance of getting on the field than these guys but at least they show up, pay their subs and are good craic around the place.
Did we leave any of your 11-a-side team out? If so then let us know.
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