Hello there, Don Juan.
I hear you’re walking with a little bit of a spring in your step.
That’s because you have a big night planned and you’re ready for it.
But listen here Mr Lova Lova, there are a few things you should know before you jump in head-first.
Expectation: Foreplay is as important as the act itself. You’ll definitely get it right.
Reality: Sh*t. I knew I forgot something.
Expectation: Putting the condom on will be easy.
Reality: Putting the condom on will take roughly 15 minutes. During that time you’ll repeatedly read the instructions, occasionally curse and almost take your partner’s eye out.
Expectations: When you do lose it, it’ll definitely be with an exotic stranger. She’ll probably have a sexy foreign name like Sophia or Adriana.
Reality: She’ll probably be called Ainé or Mary or Nora and be from three miles down the road. Pillow talk will involve you asking her did she play in the camogie match last weekend.
Expectations: You’re going to give her the time of her life.
Reality: That time will last approximately 15 seconds.
Expectations: You think it went something like this.
Reality: This is far more accurate representation of how it went.
Expectations: They’ll definitely come back for more.
Reality: They’ll DEFINITELY make awkward attempts to avoid eye contact with you every time the two of you are in the same room.
Expectations: Your friends will think you’re an absolute legend.
Reality: That’s IF they believe you, and they probably won’t. They don’t really care.
Expectation: You’re now set for sexy sex every single week. Maybe two or three times at the weekend.
Reality: That definitely won’t happen after the hilarious, yet embarrassing, condom story gets around the town. Damn you Nora.
So there you have it, a guide on what you can expect from this life changing event.
Sprite, the truth is refreshing.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ podcast – listen to the latest episode now!
