How many have you heard before?
We’re certain that all of our readers are well behaved and mammy-abiding people but there’s every child has stepped over that parental line from time to time.
Irish parents have a unique way of disciplining their children and here are some of the crackers that I’ve heard over the years.
1) The classic method.
Was this ever used for anything else?
2) Mind games
If I ever did something mischievous then my mam would always say ‘get up to your room and just wait until your father gets home.”
The nervous waiting was the worst part of this punishment, cue Irish kids rocking back and forth in their beds like this.
3) The environment where you punish yourself
There was nothing worse than acting the maggot and hearing your parents say, ‘I’m not angry at you. I’m just really disappointed.’
It’s like they’re deliberately just trying to feck with your head and ruin your buzz.
4) These three numbers
‘That’s it, I’m going to count to three. One, two…’.
We imagine that most Irish kids ran away faster than this.
5) The Man
Damn the man because he gave us more reasons to be frightened and constantly live in fear than anything else.
“If you’re not going to behave then I’ll have to get THE MAN to come over to talk to you” or “if you don’t apologise then THE MAN is going to take you away.”
These threats absolutely petrified me and I thought that most adults looked like this.
6) The dinner table rules
Have you ever heard the following, “you’ll stay at that table and eat your sprouts. I don’t care how late it gets. You’re not leaving until they’re all gone”?
No word of a lie, my little brother actually spent 5 hours on his own at the table just to make a point. The sprouts remained uneaten.
7) The worst punishment
The real draconian punishment was when you had a match at the weekend and were forbidden to play in it, or if you really wanted to play your computer but were no longer allowed.
Hitler wouldn’t do that.
8) Sort it out among yourselves
There are five children in my own family so my folks weren’t always arsed disciplining us at times.
In this scenario, martial law applied because absolutely anything went. It was like a Royal Rumble where my siblings and I sorted things out by beating the head off each other quiet and dignified conversation.
9) Shoes or any near object
I’m pleasantly surprised to hear a multiple of the same story from fellow Irish people that were raised in the ’80s and ’90s- because they were also frequently hit by their mam’s shoe.
Christ, it was like a boomerang at times.
10) Wanting what you can’t have
Hands up if you’ve ever been in this situation before. Your room wasn’t tidy so you weren’t allowed to have ice-cream after dinner, unlike your brothers and sisters.
At this point, your siblings usually took great pleasure in teasing you that they had ice-cream and you didn’t.
11) The quick getaway
“Bye-bye, we’re leaving without you.” Cue panic and hysteria.
My dad actually used to drive 20 meters down the road, wait until I caught up with him and then drive on for another 30 meters. The man’s an evil genius because he found it funny as hell.
12) Poor time-keeping
If you really wanted to visit your mate’s house but your folks were sceptical about it then they would usually say “if you’re not back by half ten then you might as well sleep in the garden.”
This is what Irish people looked like after realising that it was 22:25 and they were still in their friend’s house.
13) The last time
“This is the last time that I bring you here,” or “well this is the last time you ever get nice clothes if you’re going to get them mucky,” or “this is the last time you’re going to the cinema if you’re going to behave like this.”
The same applies for the statement “don’t make me.”
Yeah dad, whatever.
14) The Santa threat
“If you don’t go asleep, Santy won’t come.”
What type of parents would use Santa – a symbol of all that is good and wholesome with the world – to trick their children into behaving?
Clever parents, that’s who.
15) Soap
God’s honest truth, the first time that my mam heard me use ‘the F word’ she actually took a bar of soap and scrubbed my tongue.
I was farting bubbles for a week.
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