We can predict the future.
While I’ll always be happy to attend Dalymount Park and watch my beloved Bohemians play, I’d be lying to you if I said that I’m also not excited about the start of the Premier League next week.
Yes, it’s full of massive egos, soulless suits and a disgusting amount of money but there’s no denying that football fans have missed it.
With this in mind, I’ve decided to summarise what you’re most likely to hear about each club as the season draws ever closer.
Arsenal
What people say regarding: Their title bid
“The two FA Cups should give them the confidence to go and win the league. That trophy monkey is off Wenger’s back.”
What’s going to be said: “Typical Arsenal. It’s February, they’re out of the Champions League and playing with no confidence. Cue the usual fantastic end of season run but Wenger needs a BIG trophy” – Anyone that watches football.
Aston Villa
What people say regarding: Replacing Delph and Benteke.
“Sherwood exceeded expectations last year when he arrived but this is going to be a completely different test. This time around, it’s HIS team with HIS own players”.
What’s going to be said: “F**k off” – Tim Sherwood
Bournemouth
What people say regarding: Surviving in the league.
“There’s a huge gulf in class between the Championship and the Premier League. Goals win matches but I don’t see them scoring enough.”
What’s going to be said: “Bournemouth 5-4 Leicester, Jeff. Eddie Howe’s men are scoring goals for fun here but they’re far too open. Top, top side to watch though. The boy Harry Arter is going to be an England international” – Jamie Redknapp
Chelsea
What people say regarding: Jose Mourinho’s future.
“This team are the quintessential Jose team. Strong, tactically astute but with enough world class players to win a game with flair but they can grind it out also. Mourinho looks like he’s building a team for the future.”
What’s going to be said: “I do not know about my future. I am Chelsea boss now but maybe the FA or Mr Abramovich want me to change.” – Jose Mourinho.
Crystal Palace
What people say regarding: Pardew for England.
“If Pardew was a manager of a bigger side then he would definitely be considered for the England job. Look at how Newcastle plummeted when he left and his record at Palace speaks for itself. If Hodgson goes in the summer then Pardew has to be a contender”.
What’s going to be said: “Headbutted Meyler, shoved a linesman, called Pellegrini a “f**ing old c**t and has been involved in countless touchline altercations. Give him the job” – Fleet Street journalists.
https://twitter.com/DiegoMaradobbn/status/626825567745253376
Everton
What people say regarding: They’re a selling club.
“Chelsea have lodged a bid for John Stones which doesn’t match our valuation of the player. John is an important part of the club and Roberto is planning ahead with him in mind.”
What’s going to be said: “Breaking news. Chelsea have announced the signing of John Stones from Everton. Victor Moses will move to Goodison Park as part of the deal.” – Sky Sports
Leicester City
What people say regarding: Their consistent inconsistency.
“Nigel Pearson did well to keep them in the league especially since they looked doomed but I don’t understand the decision to bring in Ranieri. He’s a nice guy but his track record isn’t the most settled.”
What’s going to be said: “The game, we play good but no take chances. I say to the boys “the turtle he waits but it’s the tiger that attacks” but it’s ok.” – Claudio Ranieri.
FYI, Ranieri’s English is much better than that, I just have fond memories of his spell at Chelsea with the translator.
Liverpool
What people say regarding: Their title hopes.
“They might be an outside bet”
What’s going to be said: “Anyone have Jurgen Klopp’s number?” – John Henry
Manchester City
What people say regarding: Their recruitment policy.
“When you look at the strength of Chelsea, Man Utd’s recruitment and some of the clever signings that Liverpool have made, you just can’t help but think that City’s squad isn’t that much better than last season.
“There’s still enough quality in that team but the big characters in the dressing room need to step up.”
What’s going to be said: “Aguero’s injured, that’s us fu**ed then. Can I have some more money please?” – Raheem Sterling.
Manchester United
What people say regarding: Van Gaal putting his own shape on the side.
“I have a philosophy that the players believe. We will be better and will challenge for the title this season.” – Louis Van Gaal.
What’s going to be said: “He’s a spoofer Darragh, a spoofer and a clown.” – Eamon Dunphy
Newcastle United
What people say regarding: Their owner.
“He looks just like the kid from King of the Hill. I’m the only one who has ever noticed that. Ever.”
What’s going to be said: “Steve McClaren. No brolly, still bloody useless at managing football teams.”
Norwich City
What people say regarding: Their chances of staying up.
“Norwich have been here before and should have learned the lessons. That experience will prove to be invaluable.”
What’s going to be said: “Can someone please tell me anything about Alex Neil? Get me his Wikipedia.” – most pundits on TV.
Southampton
What people say regarding: Rebuilding their squad.
“They had the same situation last year. Liverpool raided their squad but they managed to bring in better players. Southampton will be fine once Koeman stays in charge.”
What’s going to be said: “Feck that, if they sell one more of my players then I’m out of here.” – Koeman to his missus.
Stoke City
What people say regarding: The Mark Hughes revolution
“Bojan was an indication of what Hughes wanted to do with Stoke. They’ve added a few more flair players but still kept that ‘Stoke spirit’. Can they play well on a cold Wednesday night though?”
What’s going to be said: “Jon Walters is better than him.” – Every Irish supporter.
Sunderland
What people say regarding: Their managerial merry-go-round.
“Advocaat did a Di Canio who did an O’Neill who did a Sbragia. They need stability.”
What’s going to be said: “Dick Advocaat has left Sunderland by mutual consent. Alan Curbishley is the bookies favourite to replace him.” – Sky Sports
https://twitter.com/AlansAvailable/status/603642401782145025
Swansea
What people say regarding: Garry Monk.
“He’s doing a fine job”
What’s going to be said: “He’s doing a fine job.”
Spurs
What people say regarding: Their over reliance on Harry Kane.
“Last year was a transitional one for Spurs because Pochettino brought in some of the younger players but they need goals from elsewhere. Kane was exceptional but he needs help.”
What’s going to be said: “It’s like playing snooker with a rope” – Spurs fans watching on with an injured Harry Kane in the stands.
Watford
What people say regarding: Their playing style
“They love to keep possession, go about playing in the right way and are easy on the eye.”
What’s going to be said: Chelsea 5-0 Watford – BBC Final Score reader.
West Bromwich Albion
What people say regarding: Keeping James McClean in check.
“McClean is a player that Pulis will like. He’s direct, hard working and has a cracking whip of the ball. He just needs to stay out of the spotlight and focus on his game.”
What’s going to be said: “James McClean in new Twitter controversy.” – Every website that’s interested in football.
West Ham United
What people say regarding: Bilic’s appointment
“Sam Allardyce was a pragmatic fit for West Ham and despite the protests against him, he did keep them in the league. The fans got what they wanted with Bilic’s arrival but he needs to hit the ground running.”
What’s going to be said: “Bilic Out!” – West Ham fans after going on their first losing streak of the season.
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