We drew the short straw.
Life can be tough for short people. We are harder to notice, can’t ride all the rollercoasters and we’ll never have a career in the NBA.
This is a much-needed riposte to last week’s ‘11 things every tall person faces at least once in their life‘, proving once and for all that little folks have it the hardest.
1) You’re too short for whoever you fancy
It’s much harder for girls to notice you when you stand half-a-foot below their natural eye-line. You could try to redress the balance by bouncing around on a pogo stick, but then you’ll be unappealing for two reasons.
2) You get lost in group photos
You try your best to bustle your way to the front but the photo is always taken when you’re somewhere in the middle of all your friends, and your mates’ new Facebook cover photo is going to feature nothing more than the top of your head (pro-tip: keep the top of your head looking good, everyone can see it.)
3) You become a makeshift leaning post
The sturdy shoulders of the short gentleman are a very useful tool for a tall person who is about to lose their balance, or is just kind of tired of using their own body to carry their weight. Try to take this role with good grace as stepping out of the way could lead to injury for your tall friends.
4) Dogs can overpower you with relative ease
Of course, terriers and other yappy dogs are all good. Even medium-sized dogs like labradors and collies are manageable. Sadly, if you’re in a room with a German shepherd, that dog is technically your new boss.
5) Your tip-toes get a serious workout
It was probably never in your plans to become an amateur ballerina, but if you want to see over anyone’s head at a festival or a football match you’re going to need to practice your demi-pointe.
6) You will be picked up by a drunk person at least once
Always hard to know what to do in this situation. If you struggle then you’re likely to be dropped, so you might be better advised to just ride it out and quietly plot your revenge in secret instead.
7) People never believe you when you tell them your height
“You can’t be five-foot-four!”
“Well, five-foot-four-and-a-half, actually”
Needless to say, the pencil-line your mom drew above your head on the kitchen wall has not gotten any higher since you were fourteen, so you’re pretty sure what height you are.
8) The ‘small-man syndrome’ card
Also known as the Napoleon complex, small-man syndrome is the idea that short men come with shorter fuses and are likely to fly off the handle to prove that they’re still men, even though they’re small. To that I say: shut your mouth right now before I beat you up.
9) God knows what’s on the top shelf
Seriously, that place is a mystery to us. Could be boxes of cereal, could be books, could be diamonds. Who knows? Sometimes we can see what’s up there but getting it down usually involves calling for assistance.
10) You’re definitely getting a nickname
Short-stuff, Little Man, Wee Man, Mini-Me, Frodo Baggins, R2D2, half-pint. If you’re lucky you’ll get one that also reflects your personality in some way.
11) Gandalf expects a lot from you
First it was helping those stupid dwarves reclaim their home in the Misty Mountains. Then he expects you to travel all the way to Mount Doom and destroy The One Ring? Being short is the worst.
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