What a weekend.
When God invented weekends, he was thinking of days like October 3 and 4 2015, when a whole host of major sporting occasions just happened to be scheduled within a short space of one another.
We’re assuming at this stage that you’ve cancelled all plans with wives, girlfriends and significant others and ensured that your house and more importantly, your living room, is a distraction-free zone and turned into something of a sporting mecca for the best part of 48 hours.
Being a lazy slob for an entire weekend might sound easy, but it may take some work when you consider the sheer wealth of sporting action you’ve to fit into such a small space of time.
Thankfully, we’ve provided a detailed, easy to follow guide to ensure you won’t miss a bit of it.
Pay attention now.
Saturday
10:45
It’s a big weekend so we’re allowing for a little bit of a sleep-in.
Make the necessary changes to your Fantasy Football team over breakfast and then we’re giving you the guts of an hour to go down to the shops to pick up the essential supplies.
All you’ll need are microwave meals, snacks, drinks and baby wipes, because if you think you’re going to have time for a shower you’re sorely mistaken.
12:30
It’s time to switch over to BT Sport 1 for Crystal Palace v West Brom.
It’s by far from the biggest sporting encounter of the weekend, so it’s worth spending a few minutes during the game rigging up another TV or your laptop/tablet to make sure you’re ready for a flurry of activity later on.
13:00
The beginning of coverage of Day 3 of the Dunhill Links on Sky Sports 4. It’s entirely acceptable to leave this on in the background of one of your secondary viewing devices to be glanced at every now and again.
13:20
Half-time in the Palace game is as good a time to get lunch as any, because it’s going to get pretty hectic from now on. Don’t be a hero, a simple sandwich, a cuppa and a purple snack will suffice.
14:30
Palace and West Brom will be well over by this stage so it’s time to switch codes completely, for half an hour at least.
Samoa v Japan (TV3) and Leinster v Newport Gwent Dragons (TG4) kick-off at the exact same and this is the first point of the day where you’ll be watching two live games simultaneously.
We’re still all Japan fans, right?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKLbzsvHsI0
If neither game really floats your boat, at least it will keep you ticking over until…
15:00
Time to flick over to Setanta Sports 1 for the first time today to see if Man City can prevent themselves from losing three league games on the bounce. They’re playing Newcastle at home, so that seems very likely.
16:45
The first rugby matches will be done and dusted at this stage, so flick one device to Soccer Saturday to catch up on the full-time scores from the Premier League 3pm kick-offs and leave the TV to Scotland v South Africa on TV3.
Now might be an opportune time to crack open your first beer* of the evening, you’ll have deserved it after all the effort expended so far.
*Mila Kunis not included
17:30
We’re assuming it’s a complete fluke, but there are times this weekend when all TV channels appear to be working in perfect harmony and this is one of them.
Just as half-time falls in the rugby, you can switch over to Sky Sports 1 for the start of Chelsea v Southampton coming live from Stamford Bridge.
Again, now is a handy time to have two devices on the go and if you can manage a third, they’re showing Sevilla v Barcelona on Sky Sports 2.
19:20
A bit of downtime before Saturday’s main event: England v Australia in the Rugby World Cup.
Now is a good time to do two things.
Much like your mother would say to you before a long journey, if you need to go to the bathroom, go now and then (after washing your hands) make yourself some dinner (by sticking a ready-made meal in the microwave).
If you absolutely must watch something at this stage, you can catch Espanyol v Sporting Gijon on Sky Sports 2.
20:00
TV3 for England v Australia. If it’s anything like England v Wales, we’re in for a treat.
21:30
Finish off day one with a bit of Malaga v Real Sociedad on Sky Sports 2.
23:15
Off to bed for a well-earned three and a half hours sleep. That’s right, three and a half hours. You’ll soon see why.
Sunday
02:45
Don’t ignore that alarm, get yourself up out of bed for UFC 192 live on BT Sport 2; if you’re going to commit to this weekend then you have to go in 100%.
We’ve allowed you sleep through the Prelims so the least you can do is wake up for a card that includes Johnny Hendricks, Ryan Bader and the main bout between Daniel Cormier v Alexander Gustafsson.
06:00 (ish)
Get back to bed, you’ve a long day ahead of you.
12:00
Breakfast will have to make way for brunch because you’ll need every one of the six hours of sleep we’ve permitted here.
If you’re a man who likes to read the papers of a Sunday morning then now is the time to get them because today gets underway with a big one.
12:30
Coverage of Liverpool v Everton begins a proper Super Sunday.
It’s appropriate to make a call to your parents to tell them you won’t be making it around for the usual Sunday dinner. You can tell them that if they want to bring it over for you, they should try to do so around a quarter to four before Arsenal v Man United and Ireland v Italy.
Sound.
14:00
Sky Sports should probably be given priority on your main TV until kick-off in Ireland v Italy.
By now your ability to multi-task should be second to none, however, so tune into Argentina v Tonga on TV3 and the build-up to the Derry club final between Slaughtneil and Coleraine on TG4.
Oh, did we mention that the FAI Cup semi-final between Bray Wanderers and Cork City is on RTE 2 as well?
14:55
Set ten minutes aside to watch the Prix de l’Arc de Triomphe from Longchamp on Channel 4. We’ll keep an eye on things here.
15:20
Stay watching Argentina and Tonga (on 3E) or tune into the build-up to the Ireland v Italy game.
Play your cards right and you can do both if you’ve a couple of devices to spare, but bear in mind that you’ll also want to be keeping an eye on the end of the Merseyside derby at Anfield.
16:00
The second club game on TG4, the Louth county final, will be throwing in around now, but at this stage, 45 minutes out from the main event of the day, your main focus should be on Arsenal v Manchester United on Sky Sports 1.
16:45
Switch United v Arsenal over to the laptop and leave the TV for the big one, Ireland v Italy on TV3. It’s been a busy day, so at this stage you might need to consume some sugar-laden snacks to boost the energy levels.
So busy a day it is that Bayern Munich v Borussia Dortmund on BT Europe barely even warrants a mention, but you might be able to have a glance during one of the inevitable TMO breaks during the second half of the rugby.
18:30
You’ll be wanting to digest as much as the analysis of the Ireland game as possible by now, especially if we win, but just so you know, you’ve a choice of Levante v Villarreal on Sky Sports 5 or Cincinnati Bengals v Kansas City Chiefs on Sky Sports 2 for a fix of live sport.
19:25
Thought the weekend was about to wind down? Think again. If you’re not watching Atletico v Real in the Madrid derby on Sky Sports 2 you’re missing out.
21:15
Delay the onset of the Sunday night fear by taking in the Cardinals against the Rams on Sky Sports 2. For the real die-hards, the Dallas Cowboys v the New Orleans Saints follows immediately after.
23:59
Ring the boss and book Monday off. You’ll need it.
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