The first date is a talent that does not come naturally to many…
We here at JOE HQ have cultivated our casanova status over many years, so we feel qualified to share these 10 handy pieces of advice on how to avoid catastrophe on your next first date.
1. Don’t show up drunk
We’ll start with something relatively straightforward. While you may be better craic when you’re locked, the chances are you’ll be less able to hold a conversation, walk a straight line or get to the bathroom before soaking your new slacks.
Better to wait until the date has begun before you get into the beers.
2. Do not turn your date into a Snapchat story
No matter how well it’s going, no matter how hot your date is, suppress all urges to report back to Snapchat.
It’s probably best to avoid checking your phone at all times, but Snapchat is the very worst, especially if you end up sending a snap about your ‘boring date’ to the person you’ve taken out for the evening.
3. Don’t order spaghetti
Think about it. Do you really trust yourself to get all of that dripping spaghetti in your mouth, rather than all over your front?
If you do, then you’re a braver man than us.
4. Don’t go somewhere you’ve never been before
The reasons behind this suggestion are twofold.
First, it is possible that wherever you end up going is awful.
Second, you might over-estimate your own ability to read Google Maps and end up getting you and your date lost before your date even really starts.
5. Don’t bring your mates
Everybody likes to have support, but you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. Usually, when someone has agreed to go on a date with you, it’s not because they’re dying to see your ‘banter’ with ‘the lads.’
Wise up.
You’re also taking the very real risk that your date will end up fancying one of your friends far more than they ever liked you.
6. Don’t drink a blue Slushee
It’s not as if we are unsympathetic towards people who make this mistake. Slushees are delicious, and the radioactive appearance of the blue Slushee makes it much more exciting than the red one.
However, blue Slushees invariably stain your tongue in a way that is, quite frankly, impossible to ignore. Nobody is going to kiss you if they’re afraid of leaving the encounter looking like a Smurf.
7. Don’t insist on paying
If you offer to pay once and your date lets you, nice one, you’ve come across looking like a legend. If you offer to pay, and they say no – just go with it.
It’s better to let everybody do whatever they’re comfortable with, and it’s not worth risking an awkward low-key row in front the waiter.
8. Don’t watch the match over their shoulder
Believe it or not, someone can tell when you’re watching football instead of listening to them – so if the match is playing on a big screen over their shoulder, you should probably ask to switch seats.
Either that or just avoid going anywhere that might be playing sports of any kind.
9. Don’t talk about your ex loads
No matter how much you think nobody will ever compare to your magical ex, somebody who has agreed to date you is literally the last person that you should tell.
The only way you’re ever going to move on is by giving somebody new a chance, so don’t be a Ross Gellar about it.
10. Don’t try to prove you’re hard by ordering super spicy food
Unless you have a tongue of steel, this is just about guaranteed to backfire. Unless you think you’ll be more attractive downing pint after pint of water while tears stream down your face…
Brought to you by Crunchie – For the mouth that craves the Friday Feeling.
Obey Your Mouth.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ podcast – listen to the latest episode now!
