Football doesn’t exist. Only movies now.
Football? Don’t know what you’re talking about, mate.
Here are the most intriguing film options for you on this ‘oh no it’s getting a bit cold now isn’t it?’ Thursday, 2 September…
X-Men: Days of Future Past – Film 4 – 6.25pm
In which the X-Men go to the 1970s. Should be more fun than it is but it’s got that big Quicksilver scene that everyone likes.
The World is Not Enough – ITV4 – 8pm
But it is such a perfect place to start, my love.
Pierce Brosnan’s third outing as James Bond boasts a killer opening sequence, an excellent theme song by Shirley Manson of Garbage and a villain that can’t feel pain. Decent.
American Made – Film 4 – 9pm
Tom Cruise stars as unlikely undercover CIA agent (yes, even Tom Cruise can apparently play a regular type guy caught up in a strange conspiracy) in Doug Liman’s comedy/action/drama mash-up that boasts an especially charismatic turn from our own Domhnall Gleeson.
Breakdown – TCM – 9pm
In our chief pick for tonight, Kurt Russell and Kathleen Quinlan are a husband and wife embarking on a road trip only to become stranded. Quinlan disappears shortly afterwards and the locals – led by the late, great J.T. Walsh – suddenly become that much more sinister.
A really great mid-90s thriller. Definitely go with this if you’ve never seen it.
The Gauntlet – ITV4 – 10.40pm
Is there a Clint Eastwood film on every day this week? Perhaps.
This one finds Clint playing a down-and-out cop looking to protect a witness from a whole host of vicious mafia goons.
Belly of the Beast – TCM – 10.55pm
Vintage Steven Seagal straight-to-video nonsense from 2003.
Eagle Eye – Film 4 – 11.15pm
Speaking of getting caught up in shadowy conspiracies, Shia LaBeouf is in over his head in this mid-2000s techno thriller. There’s an evil AI computer. It’s all very Metal Gear Solid.
Force Majeure – Film 4 – 1.35am
Film 4 really bringing the heat at half one in the morning, huh? This film was remade last year as Downhill with Will Ferrell and Julia-Louis Dreyfus but the original is better, plus it’s got Kristofer Hivju aka Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones in it.
What’s that? The plot? Oh, yeah, sorry. An apparent avalanche takes place in the French Alps, leading to a questionable decision that results in some extremely awkward marital tension. A laugh riot, trust us.
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