What’s behind Chuck Norris’s beard? Many lesser mortals have tried to find the answer to this question and for years the result was yet another dead body. However recent research has finally cracked this dangerous conundrum, the answer finally being revealed as another fist.
When you think about it, another fist is not much of a surprise, but what is a surprise is that the fist was discovered full of pound notes and pints of Guinness and confirmed many a suspicion that Chuck is Irish to his ginger core.
Bearing the original name of Carlos Ray, Chuck grew up fearing for his soul and he learned to get tough by taking names in the morning and kicking ass in the evening. Following in the steps of other Irish ass kickers such as Mohammad Ali, James Braddock and Sylvester Stallone, Chuck continued fighting and praying and fighting and oh yes, more praying all the way to becoming the Fighter of the Year in 1969. Of course such achievements lead right to questioning the fossil record.
Creationist
Setting the argument for a land of saints and scholars back a couple of million years, Chuck is a devoted creationist and fundamentalist Bible thumper and has written many books on the subject. He does not believe in evolution or any of that scientific nonsense, but instead is convinced that God kicked the world into being approximately seven thousand years ago. However ridiculous this might sound it does give credibility to the theory that giraffes are actually the product of a Chuck Norris kick to the chin of a horse.
His award laden drama Walker Texas Ranger was originally planned as Walker, Limerick Ranger but due to the lack of sufficiently stretchy jeans available in Ireland at the time and Chuck’s contractual stipulation that he would not hit anyone wearing pyjamas meant that the show had to be relocated across the Atlantic.
Which is a bit of a shame for poor Chuck as no matter how much he wants to get in touch with his Celtic heritage, Chuck is unlikely to be visiting the mother country any time soon for the simple reason that he is currently the only living human too dangerous to be allowed on an aircraft.
Leo Stiles
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