The weekend is here and so is JOE to bring you all the latest transfer gossip from England, Spain, Italy and even Scotland.
By Conor Hogan.
Klass-Jan Huntelaar is frantic. He’s ripping telephone wires from the wall, he’s unscrewing the front of his television and he’s throwing his laptop out the window. The Dutchman has heard the news that he is being ‘monitored.’ “They’re watching me, they’re listening to conversations, they’re in places like London and Munich,†he can be heard crying. Tottenham’s Harry Redknapp and Bayern’s Louis van Gaal are suspected to be involved in the espionage.
Another man who believes he is being ‘monitored’ is young Norwegian keeper Anders Linegaard from Aalesund. “Everytime I’m on the phone, I can hear the faint sound of a man on the other end of the line. He sounds like an older Scottish gentleman. I could swear it is Manchester United’s manager Alex Ferguson.â€
Nickey Shorey is trapped in the elevator that is Aston Villa. The main power is gone and he only has about six hours of air left. Set to ‘rescue’ him is West Brom’s Roberto Di Matteo, armed only with a crowbar, wire-cutters and £2.5 million.
Tottenham Hotspur are after £2 million rated 22-year-old Watford and English Under-21 goalkeeper Scott Loach. Not to be confused with the 74-year old director Ken Loach, responsible for Kes, The Wind That Shakes the Barley and Looking for Eric.
Sitting on the Deco the bay
Chelsea flop Deco has decided to train with Brazilian team Fluminese in the hope that they’ll notice him and hand him a contract. Roberto Martinez is tucking into his Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and listening to songs by Chicago’s Peter Cetera, after having a £3million bid for Tuncay rejected by Stoke.
Peter Cetera
Real Madrid are slapping a red cocktail dress on Karim Benzema in an effort to ‘lure Chelsea’ into selling Ashley Cole. If the Englishman departs Stamford Bridge, Carlo Ancelloti is expected to replace him with £16million rated Portuguese left-back Fabio Coentrao.
Swansea have ‘won the battle’ to sign Chelsea’s Scott Sinclair. But have they won the war?
Stoke are planning a double swoop for Sunderland’s unprolific Kenwyne Jones and Ipswich striker and director of Hairspray and Pink Flamingos, John Walters. The two deals should set the Potters back a combined total of £13 million.
Barcelona disappointment and youtube hero Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been linked with a loan move to AC Milan as a replacement for Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. Leeds’ Simon Grayson, Crystal Palace’s George Burley and Hull’s Nigel Pearson are oiling themselves up as they prepare to engage in a ‘three-way’ over Arsenal’s Jay Simpson, who is sure to be slightly uncomfortable.
This is despite the fact that Hull are not allowed to sign anyone on a pemanent deal because of their financial situation.The Tigers have signed Spurs’ John Bostock on a season-long loan, however.
Lazio are considering a move for Newcastle’s Jonas Gutierrez. Manchester City are set to offer an outrageous £20 million plus Stephen Ireland for Aston Villa’s James Milner. Martin O’Neill is also considering hijacking Spartak Moscow’s £10million move for Aiden McGeady. City players Shaun Wright-Phillips and Wayne Bridge are targets for Liverpool.
SPL in a bucket
Celtic have offered Real Valladolid goalkeeper Jacobo and Cologne’s Nigerian striker Manasseh Ishiaku trials.
The Bhoys have also opened talks with Werder Bremen in the hope of signing Peter Niemeyer for £1 million.
Andreas Hinkel wants to sign for Stuttgart, but unfortunately they don’t want to sign him.
Rangers’ £3.5million bid for Nikica Jelavic has been rejected, while Charton’s Grant Bassey is a target for Aberdeen’s Mark McGhee.
Dundee, meanwhile, have ‘shelved their interest ‘ in Queen of the South’s Bob Harris. Right now their interest is sitting next to some books, dvds, candles, pictures and freshly cut flowers.
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