Our hearts go out to those of you unfortunate enough to have ever had to deal with such a crippling ailment.
Stay strong, brave soldiers.
As Christmas arrives, we can expect to see a significant increase in Irish cases of the deadly disease, which has (somehow) yet to account for a single life, but affects the male species in a crippling way that females couldn’t even begin to understand.
Obviously, we can only hope that none of you have the misfortune to catch the dreaded man flu, but here’s our guide to noticing the symptoms and how to cope if you’re one of the unlucky ones.
Symptoms
Extreme lethargy
At first, one could mistake the lethargy that comes with man flu as your normal Monday morning reluctance to resume the routine of a working week.
Don’t try to be brave about it though because if you do suck it up and brave the bus or the train to work, you’re not only endangering yourself, but every single vulnerable male on your commute.
It’s noble of you to try and soldier on, but best do the sensible thing and stay in bed.
Uncontrollable sniffling
Once the man flu takes hold, it can’t wait to show the world the physical effects it can have on its unfortunate victims.
Messily, the most obvious manifestation is a sniffling so uncontrollable that it’s as if a tap has been turned on in your sinuses and all that can stop it is an ample supply of Kleenex.
Try and make sure it’s the luxury, velvety, double quilted type of Kleenex, because any relief from the extremely painful symptoms is a welcome bonus.
Mild coughing and sneezing
Mercifully, the type of coughing and sneezing that comes with man flu is of the softer, Derek Zoolander “I’ve got the black lung Pop” variety as opposed to a chestier, phlegm-filled effort, but we figure that’s because nature has decided that we’ve already suffered enough.
A sudden need for sympathy and attention
Naturally, a man’s reaction to being stricken with man flu is to try and fight the fight alone, but there’s only so much we can do single-handedly.
Don’t be fooled, the seemingly urgent need for sympathy and attention is an entirely natural reflex for us normally self-sufficient menfolk and don’t be afraid to plead for, and take advantage of, said care and attention if and when it arrives.
The treatment
Lemsip, lots and lots of Lemsip
Max strength. Blackcurrant flavour. Just the job. Beware the boiling hot water, as irresponsible sipping can lead to one of the most dreaded man flu side-effects – scalded tongue.
Cold cloth on the forehead
By this stage, your temperature will easily have risen to a slightly higher than average dangerously high level and there’s only one remedy, a cloth made soaking wet by cold water to rest on that furnace above your eyes.
You don’t want it ice cold, mind, and would it kill whoever brings it to you to add a pinch of lemon scent in an effort to revive your ailing sense of smell?
Warm blanket
Some would suggest that bed is the only cure for man flu, but those people would be wrong. Dead wrong.
The couch, with full and exclusive remote control access, has been proven as the ideal environment to increase recovery from man flu and a nice, warm blanket will help offset the mild shivering that your PJs can only do so much to prevent.
Talking it out with fellow sufferers
Sure, your girlfriend might sympathise with you and shower you with attention, but only men who have suffered or are currently suffering from man flu can truly know what you’re going through.
Talking about your shared experiences will make you realise that, although it might feel that way, you’re not going through this alone.
Netflix binge
85% of man flu sufferers say that their condition drastically improved after watching six back-to-back episodes of Stranger Things while being regularly served with the aforementioned Lemsips, a hot and wholesome Irish stew, three cups of tea and a large pack of Galaxy Minstrels.
Unorthodox, but effective. Deliciously effective.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ podcast – listen to the latest episode now!
