Excuse us while we turn bright red.
Ever left the house with a bit of shaving foam behind your ear? Looked down to discover a dirty great big glob of ketchup has met your jumper? Failed to find Anchorman THAT funny?
Oh brother, we feel your pain.
There’s nothing at all wrong with you, you’re just a bit… awkward, and you’ll be hopefully be able to relate to Socially Awkward JOE’s List Of Socially Awkward Situations That Seem To Happen Every F***ing Day Of The Week.
We’re all in this together.
1) How much to give for a wedding
One person says €100 if you’re single and €150 in a couple, another goes as high as €300 plus a framed picture of something sunsetty, while someone else entirely thinks a voucher for Wagamama and a couple of whisks will do the trick (it won’t, you big scabby arse).
The sands keep shifting; what was acceptable five years ago can be adjusted up or down for inflation, or you can blame the death of the Lucky Leopard (Celtic Tiger, you know this – Ed.) or emerging trends, or bloody Pinterest… it all makes our head hurt.
2) Bumping into someone twice in the supermarket
One of the worst things that can happen to a person.
You’ve already got the pleasantries out of the way, caught up, given out about the other half, discussed how the baby allows you 23 minutes’ sleep a night, ridiculed Liverpool’s chances of breaking into the top four.
You’ve had the chat and moved on with the shopping but there he is again, rolling his trolley towards you while you check the expiry dates on the Chocolate Fingers.
“We have to stop meeting like this.” “People will start to talk.” Et-bleedin’-cetera.
This really is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.
3) Taxi driver conversations
The inspiration for this feature came from this – every taxi driver conversation ever. “You been out long?” “Not a bad day out there!” “You working late?” “See the match last night?” “Watching the match tonight?” “Joan Burton, wha’?”
Next time we get into a taxi, we swear to jaysus we’re just going to pretend to be Flemish.
4) Bumping into an old teacher
You’re 36.
You left school exactly half your life ago.
You’ve been through college, several relationships, risen to a reasonably prominent role in a well-respected corporate environment.
You have kids, rent to pay, a car to run, dinners to cook, shopping to do, and all of a sudden you bump into your old Business Studies teacher and you have absolutely no idea if you should invite him for a pint or call him “Sir.”
Grown men should not blush.
5) How to divvy up the bill in a restaurant
You love food, especially meals out. You love the way the chicken comes out fully cooked and the pizza somehow doesn’t burn the top of your mouth. Add a nice glass of wine in there, and it’s one of the few good things about not being a child anymore.
It’s particularly nice when you head out with a group of mates you haven’t seen for a couple of months, until the bill comes and somebody gets the poxy calculator app up on their phone.
“I know you didn’t have wine, but you had two cokes, and WHO GOT A STARTER????”
Farkin’ hell.
More than once we’ve paid the whole lot just to end this madness.
6) Forgetting someone’s name the moment you’ve been introduced
There are ways around this, but it depends on how regularly you use terms like ‘chief,’ ‘pal’ and ‘me aul’ flower.’
You know how it is – an introduction is made while you’re trying to decide whether or not you should have gone to the jacks before this poxy meeting, and you don’t catch the name.
You think it’s Darren, but there’s really no way of being sure.
And you did need to go for a slash, by the way.
7) Not remembering if it’s your round
There you are, the four of you, the lads out for a few pints.
You’re catching every few words… “Mourinho…”…”I’m telling you he’s a bleedin’ donkey…” … “nah, lads, I’m tellin’ ye Carol Vorderman was completely…” but really all you can think about is whether yours is the next round.
The inner monologue runs like this: He arrived late, but he got his own, but he owed him a pint, but now we’re all caught up, and I can’t look like I’m trying to get out of it, but I got them in two rounds ago, or did I, I’m a bit drunk, ah bollix, I’m getting them in…
8) Bringing cans to a party – to hide or not to hide
We’ve thought long and hard about this – if you’re bringing Heineken or Guinness, they’ll just blend in with the rest and it becomes a free-for-all. Any generic beer stops being yours the second you walk through that door.
You’re better off pushing the boat out a bit. Bring some Leffe, or Duvel, or Chimay, or anything Belgian really. They’re too strong for the majority and will get you nicely obliterated if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.
9) Urinal conversations
Only acceptable with a five pint minimum, otherwise it’s just awkward, vulnerable, awkward, just stop it, awkward and then you let out a fart for good measure.
We have a very real fear of urinal conversations.
10) The ‘going the same way’ conundrum
This is a variation on number 2 above – you’ve had a good long chat over a cup of coffee or a couple of pints, maybe a bite to eat, and it’s time to go home. Quite honestly, you want to nip off for a quiet gargle yourself.
You leave the establishment, say your goodbyes, and both start walking the same way. There’s no fear like it in the world. Why can’t I lose this person? What the hell do we have left to talk about? We’re going to end up living together, aren’t we? This is the end of days!
11) Hating a film that everyone loves
For this writer, it’s Hot Tub Time Machine. Or The Wedding Crashers. Or Swingers.
For JOE Editor Paddy McKenna, Pixar had better take cover… “Too cutesy, know your place cartoons, you uncynical bast*rds!”
We all have the films that the public craves but you’re completely indifferent to, but revealing that you thought The Godfather was “a bit slow” is punishable by a lifetime of watching Lars von Trier Dogme thinkpieces.
No wonder you feel bloody awkward.
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