How many of these can you relate to?
Much like King Arthur’s round table, there’s a certain mythic, authoritative and crazy element to any Irish dinner table.
It’s where the important family issues of the day get settled but there are a certain set of rules and things that any Irish person can expect at the table.
1) The menu
God love my mam because in her own words ‘Paul, you’re the only child that finishes their breakfast and instantly asks what’s for fecking dinner.’
It’s almost like any kids who ask their parents what’s on the menu have, 1) important plans elsewhere, 2) a fine culinary palate whereby they can distinguish what constitutes fine dining or 3) a prodigious Jamie Oliver-esque ability to cook for themselves.
“You’ll eat what you’re given” is the standard answer from Irish mams everywhere.
2) The time
“Dinner is on the table at 6pm and if you’re late then you’re getting none.”
I’m fairly certain that every Irish kid had the fear of God put into them with this sentence, unless you were like this.
3) The pre-dinner routine
“Placemats, cups, forks, knives, spoons. Get them on the table or you’re not getting anything,” says your Dad.
You always had one brother that would infuriate you because it seemed like they had a monopoly on the placemat job.
4) The layout
I’m certain that every Irish family has a very specific seating arrangement when it comes to the dinner table.
Mam and Dad always sat at the top. Always. Anything else could be interpreted as a challenge to their authority and grounds for the ‘wooden spoon’.
I’ve a fairly big family but it was always the boys that had to squash and squeeze their way into the chairs that were nearest the walls while the girls got the comfortable seating.
Stupid rule, I don’t want to be nice to my sisters.
5) The HP stand-off
Have you ever been in the situation where someone forgot to put the salt or brown sauce on the table?
Cue everyone looking at each other, saying nothing but thinking the same thing ‘I’m not getting up.”
6) The phone protocol
If anyone calls the house phone during dinner time then it’s usually greeted by your folks saying “I bet that’s one of your friends Paul. Well they can feck off.”
7) Louder than bombs
Regardless of the size of your family, it’s almost impossible to have a calm and coherent conversation at the dinner table because everyone is shouting over each other.
8) The drinks dilemna
“That’s my glass that you just drank from. Top it up now or else!”
Irish people are incredibly precious about TK Red Lemonade.
9) Your parents get all parenty
If you live away from home and come back to your family home for Sunday dinner then your parents’ line of questioning will never change.
1) Career, 2) Relationships, 3) Advice. Standard.
Sometimes I like to throw a curveball into the conversation, just to mess with my mam’s head, by saying “Yeah it’s all good with me. I’m moving to Uganda, lost my job and I’m now addicted to huffing glue. So, how’s Betty?”
10) The David Copperfield of cauliflower
Do you have a brother or sister that despises vegetables but still ‘magically’ makes them vanish from their plate?
We all know the dark arts of the dinner table.
Sneakily putting vegetables onto your siblings plates, dropping them on the floor, frequent trips to the bathroom and squashing them under the placemat were all common.
11) The wonderful weirdos
When all of your family are sitting together at the dinner table it’s very easy to notice that every single one of them is really strange.
Have you ever looked around the table and thought to yourself “I’m related to these people!”???
12) Passing the buck
Bellies are full but who’s going to make the tea?
Cue everyone at the table nominating other family members and whoever gets the most votes loses.
13) The biscuit anger
“What do you mean there’s no biscuits. Ah Jesus!”
14) The dishes dash
“Right, so which one of you is going to load the dishwasher?”
Cue all your family members running away from the table faster than this.
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