Can you relate to this customer service?
I’ve been lucky enough to have some great jobs over the years but there’s one line of work that easily ranks as the most stressful; dealing with people over the telephone.
Here are a few painful truths that I’ve learned from briefly working in I.T support and telemarketing.
1) That dial-in code
Your heart sinks a little whenever you have to dial-in and hear those few beeps that mean you’re now ‘available’ for work.
2) Your voice becomes weird
Every person has their ‘phone voice,’ but this becomes the norm for any person that works in a call centre because your elocution becomes almost akin to some strange mix of Mary Poppins, an air stewardess and a character from a Jane Austen novel.
3) You know certain speeches off by heart
I once worked in a telemarketing company and could list off the ‘legal greeting’ that you had to say before even doing a survey. This always included some hokey phrases like ‘please be aware that this call might be recorded for quality and training purposes’ etc.
Before you ask, no you’re not weird for being able to recite this passage word-for-word in your sleep.
4) First call of the day
It will always be a catastrophe. When I did I.T support, certain problems like resetting a password were a piece of cake but you would never get this on your first call. It would always be some hugely complicated problem that 1) I had no idea about and 2) my brain was still in bed.
5) The next call
If you spend 20-30 minutes trying to help someone then your next call will probably be even more stressful. It’s just one of those weird rules and you’ll instantly hate the world.
6) You’ll meet all of these people
Most customers are decent, friendly and sound. These are the people that you’re very happy to help but there’s always some exceptions.
Father Stone
These people that have the worst phone manner imaginable. Their voice is so dull, dreary and lifeless that having a conversation with them is like dragging blood out of a stone.
Assholes
You meet them in any job but I have a theory that people are even bigger assholes on the phone because there’s zero accountability on their part because they can’t see your face. Therefore, they feel like they can treat you like crap.
Panicky Pete
These people are panicked on the phone for some stupid reason, they probably lost their pen or something, that they can’t actually articulate their thoughts and end up talking in circles.
The impossible call
If you work in a large multi-national company then you may have to chat with someone that doesn’t have a strong level of English or it could be even worse – you have to talk to someone that’s so indecipherable that you have to ask them to repeat every second word.
7) The magic buttons
Never underestimate the importance of the ‘busy’ button on your phone. It’s like a temporary haven from the world of stressful work, annoying people and techno mumbo-jumbo.
8) You can talk an awful lot of shite
You’ve perfected the art of small talk and have somehow managed to become an expert in the weather. You’re also surprised at the fact that people seem to think that you genuinely give a shit about their lives.
9) Never underestimate the stupidity of some people
When trying to help certain people over the telephone, I find it best to imagine them as drunk babies that don’t have a single clue what they’re doing.
I once received a call from a guy that was complaining that he couldn’t work at his PC. After asking a few questions he told me that the reason why he couldn’t work on his PC was because he was smelling gas and asked me for advice on what to do. This is 100% true.
10) Me, me, me
Everyone thinks that their problem is the greatest problem in the history of the world. It’s not, now leave me alone.
11) The venting
After dealing with a horrible and rude customer, all people working in call centres will react like this.
12) Break is god
You actually use every last second of your break because you treasure that time away from your headset like kids value their time away from school.
13) The handover
If anyone on a telephone ever says ‘that’s interesting, would you mind holding while I confer with a colleague,’ it means that they don’t have a fecking clue what the answer is.
14) A faulty bible
All people in call centres will have a standard set of answers in front of them, a bible of the most frequent questions that they’re asked on the telephone. If there’s some I.T problem that causes the software to go down, then it’s like kids in school when the teacher is sick.
We’re free!
15) The perks
Twirling around in the twisty chairs will never get old and it’s always funny when you deliberately make your friends crack up while they’re in a call.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ podcast – listen to the latest episode now!
