In honour of this month’s Movember, we at JOE decided it was time to celebrate the most glorious, manly facial hair choice of all – the moustache. Here are five classics.
As has it been for quite some time now, this month now appears to have irrevocably become known as Movember. For thirty days, expect to see gentlemen of all ages sporting fuzzy upper lips without a care in the world. It’s all in the good name of raising funds for men’s health issues, be it depression or testicular cancer, so be sure to sign up for any upcoming pub quizzes, local events or even just get involved on the official Irish Movember site here.
Of course, the real question is, are you man enough to grow your own ‘mo’? We at JOE have previously lamented the death of the moustache in pop culture (an article notable for a fantastic ode to Tom Selleck in the comments section), so any excuse to impose our raw, unbridled masculinity on the timid womenfolk of the JOE office this month is as good as any says us. So if you’re looking to get involved for the month of Movember or are looking for some inspiration for your own facial hair stylings, here are JOE’s top five moustaches in history:
Charlie Chaplin
If there is one man who we can safely say suffered for the sake of a moustache, it was Charlie Chaplin, otherwise known as Sir Charles Spencer KBE, the undoubted comedic legend of the silent film era. Sadly for Chaplin, his ‘toothbrush moustache’ is now commonly referred to as a ‘Hitler’, which is also an unspeakable act so abhorrent that perhaps even the Austrian dictator wouldn’t even attempt it on a sleeping roommate.
Here is Chaplin doing his best to dispel Hitler comparisons
The toothbrush moustache was originally popular during the 1920s and was especially common in Europe, where it was seen as a response to the overflowing, ‘Kaiser’-style moustaches popular at the turn of the century. It is important to note, however, that Chaplin never actually grew a moustache in daily life, it was merely used to heighten the comical elements of his performances.
Despite his noble intentions, the toothbrush moustache now seems confined to become synonymous with the iconic image of Adolf Hitler, who looks bizarre without it. Speaking of moustachioed dictators, even Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe has sported his own extreme toothbrush moustache, which sadly for him, merely resembles a cruel prank in which someone has given his face a Brazilian wax.
Richard Petty
As America’s premier driving-around-in-circles sport, NASCAR has always appealed primarily to southern US states in which the sport was originally born – whiskey bootleggers needed the fastest vehicles possible to outrun local police during Prohibition. With a masculine backstory like that, it’s no surprise that the greatest stock car driver of all time, Richard Petty, is as recognised for his racing ability today as he is for his customary cowboy hat, sunglasses and moustache-wearing ensemble.
A handlebar moustache done right
After 200 career wins and seven championships over a 35-year racing history, ‘The King’ became the first inductee to the NASCAR hall of fame and was the first sportsmen to be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom award in 1992. Throughout the years and even to this day, Petty is still a proud moustache-sporter, even at the tender age of 73. While Petty has gradually trimmed his chevron moustache (a straight, thick and wide moustache) from his handle bar through the years (pictured above), we certainly wouldn’t begrudge anyone that has the audacity to wear a hat like this.
Liverpool FC – circa 1970s-1980s
It is common knowledge that Liverpool FC’s sudden inability to wear championship trophies coincided with a much less moustachioed/perm-haired approach to their on-field play. Whether it was Graeme Souness, Mark Lawrenson, Bruce Grobelaar, Terry McDermott, Tommy Smith, Alan Kennedy, Jimmy Case, John Aldridge or Ian Rush – if you were part of any 70s or 80s league-winning Liverpool side a tache was a prerequisite.
Souness – Sex God
These days, the Liverpool side is distinguishable for an altogether different reason – with Pepe Reina, Martin Skrtel, Paul Koncesky, Raul Meireles, Jonjo Shelvey, David Ngog, Milan Jovanovic and Joe Cole in the side, it has to be the baldest/close-cropped team in Premier League history. Roy Hodgson, take note – this is what you want from a captain.
Willie O’Dea
Disgraced former Limerick Fianna Fáil TD and Defence Minister Wilie O’Dea resigned from his government position earlier this year after settling a defamation case out of court with Nessan Quinlivan, brother of Sinn Fein councillor Maurice Quinlivan – apparently you can’t accuse political enemies of running brothels from their house without any feasible evidence – remember when this used to be a free country?!
In other countries, this would be a mugshot for someone not allowed to live near schools
In any case, Willie based his decision on the thinking that “my continuing in office would distract from the important and vital work of the Government”, but it is our firm belief here at JOE that Willie’s towering tache is a very welcome distraction, and possibly even deserves its own seat in government. Can you imagine the ruckus if someone dared to douse Willie’s pride and glory in red paint? Dear readers, Willie’s rightful vengeance is not even worth thinking about.
Tom Selleck
Oh come on, don’t act surprised. No individual has done more for the humble moustache than the walking, talking (both helpful for an actor), Friends-guest appearing man-mountain that is Tom Selleck. Whether he’s chasing bad guys with a moustache in Magnum P.I or becoming a fish-out-of-water father with a moustache in the Three Men series, Tom Selleck is always dealing with the hassles, pressures and toil of life while wearing a moustache. Aside from that time he came back on Friends and wasn’t wearing one – which was wrong.
Dear god… it’s glorious
How was it that Tom ended up on scoring a prestigious recurring guest slot on the TV show of the 90s, one that involved scoring Couteney Cox on the regular, an actress nineteen years his junior? Because of his luxurious chevron moustache specimen, of course. It’s also important to note that Selleck was originally set to star as Indiana Jones before Harrison Ford came onboard, a shameful casting decision that sadly spared 80s cinemagoers the potential sight of Tom whipping Nazi’s with a longer, heavily-insured stunt-tache.
While Selleck’s Facebook fan page currently has over 10,000 ‘likes’, his moustache has 2,100, far and away the highest for any facial hair on the social networking site. And yes, people do find artistic inspiration behind Selleck’s immaculate face fuzz. Blessed is the Tom Selleck tache, king among facial hair.
Honourable mentions: Freddie Mercury, Ned Flanders, Richard Pryor, Burt Reynolds, Albert Einstein, Ron Jeremy, Hulk Hogan, Ron Burgundy, Ming the Merciless, The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper cover art
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