After an Irish stag party in Liverpool made the local news earlier this week, we got to thinking…
Who are the various members of society that make up your typical stag party? You have the husband-to-be and the groomsmen plotting his demise. But there are plenty of other players in this particular game.
So many lost weekends.
1. The Groom
The fear in his eyes as the taxi drops him off at the airport, that grateful first sip, the knowledge that somebody among his drinking party has a rope, a nurse’s uniform and blindfold secreted away with his name on it.
He must accept that he will have no control over proceedings and, barring accidental death, within four days will be back in the sweet embrace of his sitting room, drinking herbal tea and watching Rules of Engagement.
2. The Best Man
He’s too busy paying barmen and bouncers to “look the other way” to really enjoy himself.
The honour of being appointed Best Man has long since slipped away, especially as the groom’s complete scab of a work colleague refuses to pay for his hotel and the rest of the lads won’t divide out his share. It’s a principle thing, and the Best Man is left with the bill.
He’s also responsible for the health and safety of the groom. This seldom works out well.
3. The Clock Watcher
There’s always a lad stressing in the corner, tapping the watch, insisting that the restaurant he booked for the rest of the group won’t accept them if they’re more than half an hour late.
Nobody cares. At some point during the night, chips and curry will magically happen. Be grand.
It takes four or five pints before he learns to love the mayhem, and he’s the first to volunteer to find those cable ties when it’s time to play ‘Hide the Groom.’
4. The Early Boozer
Drinking in Dublin Airport at 5am, asleep beside some Wetherspoon’s slot machine by midday. Repeat throughout weekend.
5. The Athlete
He’s pissed off nobody organised any paintballing, so he quietly goes for a run while everyone else is in the pub watching the early Premier League game.
“Have some Bacon Fries, for jaysus’ sake…”
Everybody pretends to like him, while secretly wishing him harm.
6. The Dirty Fecker
He’d get up on a barber shop floor, and tries to do so four or five times throughout the course of the pub crawl. No woman is safe.
He’s a man on a mission (when he’s not off in the corner texting the girlfriend back home and telling her how much, “I miss you babes, not the same without you, xxxx.”)
7. The Sober One
He’s the fiancée’s first cousin and had to be invited. Family politics.
He doesn’t drink because he ‘doesn’t need to.’ Nobody talks to him, and everyone feels slightly bad about it.
But not bad enough to talk to him.
8. The Connoisseur
He doesn’t drink. He imbibes. He doesn’t just like food, he’s a bit of a gourmand. He has never been to Supermacs.
He tells you the myriad ways to enjoy the various potions at your disposal, while all you want to do is drink it all down and forget your own face.
9. The Human Stereo
The loudest, and drunkest, member of the group. Ultimately harmless, which is the worst thing anyone can say about any man.
Nobody has the heart to tell him to f**k off, because he’s a grand lad when he’s sober, or “when you get to know him.”
Doesn’t stop you trying to scarper when his back is turned.
10. The Complete Champ
The Paul O’Connell of the group. Peacemaker, boozehound, sound fella who everyone wants to be sat next to in the pub. He never gets drunk despite consuming several buckets of porter.
Also the only one who will get The Human Stereo on that return flight.
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