We like to pretend we know what they’re thinking, doing, seeing, talking about… but we haven’t a bloody clue.
From the ability to leave unfinished pizza (we’ve seen it with our own eyes) to being able to sit through an entire episode of Made in Chelsea, these are the things we men will never truly understand about women.
And ingorance is bliss.
1. She can easily spend 55 minutes in the bathroom
It’s not that we ever want to know what’s going on in there – ours is not to question how this beauteous vision appeared before us in a fog of steam, scented oils and asphyxiating powders. We just wonder how the hell a good hour of drinking time can be spent in the jacks?
Not only that, but what the hell do they use those cotton… Come to think of it, we don’t want to know.
2. Why, HOW, is she always cold?
An excuse will always be found to press the Boost button on the heating. “Ah, come on, just for an hour, I’m bloody frozen. Feel my arms. Go on. Feel my… FEEL MY ARMS!”
You, meanwhile, have spent the last five hours in your boxers, daydreaming about an ice bath, head stuck in the freezer trying anything to cool down.
And she wants the bloody heating on?
3. She can easily spend an hour eating a Kit-Kat
You’ve demolished it in six bites, at the very most, and in under a minute and a half. She takes a bite, puts it down, files her nails, flicks between The Big Bang Theory, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and back again, chats to her mam for 20 minutes about what to get Dolores for her 50th, makes a second cup of tea, flicks back on the heating, does some yoga and STILL has three bloody fingers of wafery goodness left.
“If you touch it, you’re f**king dead.”
Right so.
4. She possesses the gift of colour co-ordination
You walk around wearing a Barcelona jersey, green jeans, purple converse and, if it’s a special occasion, a raspberry beret.
She, however, instinctively knows that you look like something Krusty the Klown shat forth and that blue and green should NEVER be seen.
5. Saying, “right, so, I’ll let you go,” on the phone always leads to another 15 minutes of conversation
This is one for the eavesdroppers among you, lads. If you’re living with a wife, girlfriend, sister, whatever, listen in the next time she’s talking to a friend of hers on the phone.
The first time you overhear her saying, “right so, Cathy, I’ll let you go…” is always a red herring. It’s inevitably followed by a series of, “wait ’til I tell you” and “she didn’t… she didn’t… she… did… not…” and “oh come here before you keep going I just wanted to ask you about that place in Lucan…” and…
…so on. She’s never getting off the phone. Plan accordingly.
6. Her ability to leave a pizza unfinished
I’ve seen some strange, strange things in my life but nothing more perplexing than that lonely slice, just lying there, discarded. Unwanted. Ridiculous.
Yet those rice cakes never stood a chance.
7. Hair clips just appear, as if from nowhere, from the sitting room floor to the back of the fridge
Coming from a man who has been getting the same haircut since the ‘dead cat on a mushroom’ days (three on top, two on the sides and back, since you didn’t ask), hair products fascinate and terrify me in equal measure.
Hair clips, bobbins, brushes and other paraphernalia turn up everywhere from down the side of the couch to the back of the fridge.
Men, it is your responsibility to repurpose these tiny bits of hardware into something useful. Those snots won’t extricate themselves.
Ha.
8. She can spend an entire evening in front of the telly without her hand down her trousers
We call it ‘comfort paw’ and no, we’re not at ourselves.
9. She has the capacity to watch Made in Chelsea without breaking something
Yer woman rode yer man but the other blonde gobshite kind of sort of has a thing for her best friend but they had a threesome and now he’s, like, really confused because something called a Spencer got really drunk and came on to him and oh… my… god… I can’t believe SHE just walked into the…
That entire paragraph was gleaned from accidentally seeing the ads on E4. You, as a man, could not watch that horrible, horrible muck without doing some serious damage to a lamp.
Eejits.
She, however, gets the Maltesers in.
“I HAD TO WATCH FOOTBALL LAST WEEK!”
10. She somehow possesses more than one handbag, and a single pair of shoes, at a time
You, on the other hand, only buy shoes when your converse have turned into a pair of sandals and a bag is purely for carrying cans back from Centra.
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