Underneath our thin veneer of cultural interests, we have discovered we all watch some right old sh*te in our spare time. Here are the shows we know we should stop watching, but we just can’t quit…
Sean Nolan: Under the Dome
You had me at the spliced cow. Of all the mad shit that has occurred in Chester’s Mill since the eponymous dome came down, the scene in the very first episode, where an innocent bovine gets sliced in two, Damien Hirst-style, by the invisible shell is easily the most entertaining.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7SPL2COLkI
That the producers, including one Steven Spielberg, include it in the recap at the start of each episode, serves to remind me why I like the show, and why it is also bloody awful (no pun intended).
From the reasonably intriguing idea, originally dreamt up by Stephen King, of an entire town getting trapped under a mysterious, impervious dome the sheer rate of plot lines and characters introduced has produced a show of such frantic nonsense that I simply can’t give up on it, despite knowing that it is utter bollocks.
Characters appear, or get killed, at a ridiculous rate. Despite only being under the dome for about a fortnight, characters undergo enormous changes in mood and motivation, and seem to grieve for dead loved ones for about 45 minutes before getting back to running around like over-sized hamsters in the world’s dumbest science experiment.
Even the presence of the majestic Dean Norris, as town boss Big Jim Rennie, doesn’t save the show from being more hammy than a pig farm and yet, despite all the faults, I refuse to stop watching it.
It is a perfect hour of dumb TV, requiring zero thought and I get more laughs, all unintentional mind, than I get from most sitcoms. I really can’t recommend you get the boxset, but if you want to spend some mindless days on the couch over the winter, this is the perfect show for it.
Adrian Collins: The Mentalist
There’s something very compelling about The Mentalist that is very difficult to pinpoint. I’m fully aware that the storyline is rubbish, the people aren’t as attractive as the regular American TV standard, but for some reason I can’t stop watching it.
The overall story arc is one of revenge as one man looks for the man who killed his family, but he gets sidetracked every week by helping out a fictional police department, the CBI, with their cases. He’s a “consultant”, but mainly uses the powers of persuasion he learned as a phony psychic to fool people. It’s incredibly repetitive and they just solve one case every week, with the occasional nod to the over-arching ‘Red John killed my family and I’m going to find him’ narrative, which keeps us watching. It’s almost as if they know what we want to see…
If I’m honest, I also get sartorial envy from Simon Baker a.k.a Patrick Jane a.k.a The Mentalist. When it comes to suits, he always wears a three piece, with the top button open on the shirt to suggest an air of insouciance despite the otherwise formal attire, and I want to add a few similar numbers to my wardrobe. If only I were incredibly rich and on a TV show, sigh. His car is also cool.
Anyway, I’m holding out for the day when they do eventually find Red John (it may have already happened as I’m not up to date with the latest series) but when that does take place we’ll probably stop watching. They may be able to keep me hooked with the frankly poorly scripted sexual tension between agent Teresa Lisbon and Jane, but if the show moved away from the solve-one-crime-a-week format I’d almost consider it decent television. As it is, it’s just terrible, but I can’t stop.
Eoghan Doherty: America’s Next Top Model
Tuesday evenings. The Sky Living channel . Religiously sitting down to watch the spectacularly woeful America’s Next Top Model. Now THAT’S what life is really all about.
And then watching it all over again on Sky Living Plus 1. That is also what life is really all about.
Created and hosted by the incomparable head-the-ball Tyra Banks, America’s Next Top Model (or ANTM as we real fans like to call it) is the show that sees a gaggle of gorgeous ladies compete for the titular title of “America’s Next Top Model”, providing them with an opportunity to kickstart their career in the modeling industry.
Some day I’ll get my chance. Some day…
Initial viewing of the program started back in 2010 for myself, with an exasperated “no way Missus, you’re not watching this tripe again are you!?” (in the direction of my good lady friend), a statement that gradually morphed its way into a deranged “OHMYGODBOILTHEKETTLEBECAUSEAMERICASNEXTTOPMODELISABOUTTOSTART”
What’s sad is that this undying love of a genuinely awful show is essentially a perfect, brain-washing example of Stockholm Syndrome, the phenomenon in which the hostage (me) falls in love with their tormentor and abuser (ANTM). You know what’s even sadder though? The fact that I realise this and yet I still continue to watch.
Each cycle of the show (that’s right, it’s called a cycle fashion fact fans, not a season) brings with it its own unique set of new character to love, hate, adore, laugh at and cry yourself to sleep over.
For the best entertainment though just check out each season’s hilarious tantrum-filled ‘make-over episode,’ or simply focus on model mogul Tyra as she completely loses her shit. Again. And again. And again…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqUs–NGbqI
Sure, you get to watch loads of gorgeous women, quite literally, strut their stuff. But that’s not what it’s all about. I swear.
Judge me all you want JOE readers, but the way I look at it, haters gonna hate – I go girl *clicks fingers and does Tyra Banks-esque neck wobble thing*
Peter Cooney: Sons Of Anarchy
Terrible acting, ludicrous storylines, confusing sub-plots and awful, awful Irish accents, this may be the best worst show ever.
If you’re looking for a show in which the central characters seem to be playing a game of ‘who can overact the scene’, then you’re in luck. With serial overactor’s Charlie Hunnum and Ron ‘Head like a cinder block’ Perlman, the overacting reaches never-before-seen-overactingey heights.
I know I shouldn’t watch it, but everytime it fades to the reaper, I know (somewhat ashamedly) that I’ll hear ‘Previously on Son’s of Anarchy’ again. And if I’m really lucky, I’ll hear it in the hilariously awful Irish accent provided by Timothy V. Murphy, who is, in fact, Irish.
And the Irish accents don’t stop there. Oh no. In fact, it seems that the show hadn’t quite met its questionable accent quota as SAMCRO embark on a trip to Belfast in Season Three to rescue Jax’s ( Hunnum) son. The following episodes become horribly cringeworthy as the dodgy accents are fired out more than the M.C.’s guns.
It’s a real head-scratcher as to why the show is so popular. But then we’re 6 seasons in and yet to miss a minute, we’re clearly not the only ones watching to see how bad it could possibly get or what heinous foe the M.C. will undoubtedly overcome next. They never fail. Ever. Also don’t forget the dozens of dead bodies that nobody ever seems to look for. Ever.
Oisín Collins: Rat B*stards
For me, the Discovery Channel’s Rat B*stards was like crack cocaine, in the sense that it was both seriously addictive and seriously bad for your health – you probably lost some I.Q. points after every episode. With the stars of the show called ‘Rigger’, ‘Kridda’, ‘Skeeter’, ‘Clay’ and ‘Squirrel’ you were pretty much guaranteed a show with absolutely no coherent dialogue, which is something Rat B*stards certainly delivered on, ya’here? But there was something about the show that made it a ‘must watch’ week in, week out.
The show followed rural exterminators, whose job it was to kill off giant, and we mean GIANT, rats, some of which were the size of small dogs. So while you couldn’t understand a word that was being said, you still got to look at mutant sized monsters from the safety of your own living room. Thankfully, the show only lasted one series…
Here’s a look at what went on in Rat B*stards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L30kzFV1NwY
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