Send a raven.
Being that we’re absolute geeks maesters on all things Game of Thrones, we’ve decided to do a weekly recap of the best moments from the most recent episode.
Last week saw Arya take her first steps towards being the coolest female assassin since Hit Girl in Kick-Ass while Jon Snow passed his first test as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch with flying colours and a flying head.
As ever, SPOILER ALERT! Here are some of our favourite moments from this week’s episode.
Master of Quotes – Best Line
High Sparrow to Cersei: “All sinners are equal before the gods”.
The North Remembers – Best Scene
While the first two episodes took their time to set up the narrative for this season, this episode really lit the fuse with some brilliant scenes and typically gratuitous violence.
The constant back and forth between Margeary and Cersei is always a pleasure to watch and things are so bad that militarised priests are now required; if only Tommen actually had a spine or managed to put down his Fisher Price play-set.
Tyrion’s best attempts at winding up Lord Friendzone were a joy to behold as was the easy conversation between between Bronn and Jamie.
The “if you ever see the wee f**ker then send him my regards” line had this JOE in stitches.
I would totally watch a buddy cop movie with Bronn and Jamie Lannister as partners.
— Tony Andracki (@TonyAndracki23) May 4, 2015
https://twitter.com/BrendanJNewton/status/595124633826775040
The violence stakes were upped with some brilliantly-shot death scenes – more of that later – but we’ve opted for Stannis’ rare display of affection and decency.
Don’t be fooled, the lord of Dragonstone is an absolute bastard of a man and not in the nice Jon Snow meaning of the word – but the passionate defence of his sickly daughter after all his advisers told him to exile her showed that there still is some remnants of decency in the man.
These moments of kindness in the show are even rarer than an episode without wine.
Valar Morghulis – Best Death
There will be blood. Lots of it. This category is probably the most difficult and morbid choice that I’ll make this week because, forgive my morbid pleasure, there were some bloody brilliant deaths.
Lets agree on one thing, we all knew that as soon as Barristan Selmy started having the craic and reminiscing on the good old days with Dany, then he was certain to die.
Barristan Selmy, the greatest fighter in modern times, taken out by the extras from Eyes Wide Shut. #GameofThrones
— Michael Jackson (@TheOther_MJ) May 4, 2015
It’s the Game of Thrones rule, happiness means death is imminent. It’s the equivalent of those people in war films showing off pictures of their kids before they get shot in the trenches.
All respect to Sir Barristan Selmy. He went out like a boss. #GameofThrones pic.twitter.com/6Fyfyagtce — Marlene Montooth (@mampdx) May 4, 2015
Most weeks, a spear going through a fella’s head whilst a scorpion is crawling over his face is the stand-out winner but we’ve opted for another.
Our morbid choice also didn’t occur during one of the best-filmed fights in the show’s history, the bottle-necked brawl between The Unsullied and The Sons of The Harpy.
God that was beautiful, beautiful brutality.
Jamie may have got his first ‘handy’ kill in Dorne but Bronn’s quick-fire skills with a dagger take the honour this week.
That throw into the guard’s throat was a thing of twisted beauty.
Sub-category: Body Count – 2 men in Littlefinger’s brothel, 1 snake, 3 Dornish guards, 1 horse, 1 treasonous ship captain, 4 innocent civilians, 50 warriors and 1 trusted adviser to Dany.
GoT X-Rated
Thank God for the Faith Militant because this filth is everywhere.
There were three naked women and two men in Littlefinger’s brothel while Melisandre once again got too hot under her cloak.
Jesus, get the woman a coat because she must have been freezing in Castle Black.
Mother of Dragons – Best Beast Scene
It seems that the three dragons are still going through the mopey teenage period as they were nowhere to be seen.
Maybe they prefer to listen to Radiohead, stay out all night and not talk to their mam.
The addition of a scorpion crawling on a man’s face was a welcome addition but it doesn’t beat dragons. Nothing does.
Sticks and Stones and Swords – Best Insult
Bronn to Jamie: “Have you ever been to Dorne? I have. The Dornish are crazy. All they want to do is fight and f**k, f**k and fight.”
You Know Nothing – The WTF Moment
Once again our favourite bastard’s parentage was brought into question after Stannis remarked that adultery wasn’t ‘Ned Stark’s way’ while another scene must have resonated with people who have theories on the identity of Senor Snow’s Ma and Da.
We reckon he’s half Vulcan, half Jedi and half Tipperary. That’s a lot of halves.
When Stannis showed that he does indeed have a heart, as mentioned above, we were shocked but this week’s honour goes to the best tattoo in Westeros.
Jaysus, he must have had a few pints in him before deciding on that design. On that part of his body.
Stealing The Throne – This Week’s Best Character
It’s certainly not Lord Friendzone, who rudely broke up the fun that Varys and Tyrion were having on the road to Mereen, he also struck the youngest Lannister for speaking the truth.
He must be great craic at parties.
Cersei, meanwhile, took pleasure in wiping that perfect smirk from Margaery after she managed to have her brother imprisoned and successfully planted a wedge between the newly-married couple.
The honeymoon is well and truly over but Tommen is too busy watching Barney to notice. We’re told that Jon Snow once again knows nothing for turning down sex while Littlefinger continues to mess with everyone’s head.
Westeros is more crooked than a barrel of snakes which is why Bronn gets this week’s honour. He made the most gruesome kill, delivered the best insult and had the funniest scenes.
From Wicklow to Westeros – Where did Aiden Gillen’s Irish accent land?
It sounded more in the realms of the 32 counties this week; we really loved his delivery of the line ‘a betting man would put his money on Stannis’.
During this scene, it seemed as if he was talking like he was in his local bookie but there’s always people who will disagree.
Aiden Gillen Accent Status: 17th-century English privateer. #LnPGoT
— Reuben Poling (@liesandperfidy) May 4, 2015
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