How many of these are familiar?
Schoolboy football is the lifeblood of the game in Ireland but the experience of playing for your local team can be very unique.
We already had a look at some of the ‘interesting characters’ that you’re bound to see in any 11-a-side team but what about the weekly events that nearly every footballer goes through at some point?
Here’s our take on what’s to be expected when you play for an under-age schoolboy team.
1) You were afraid to show up with dirty boots
At some point, your manager said that if anyone showed up to the game with dirty boots then they weren’t going to start the match and would be fined.
Cue Irish players all around the country frantically scrubbing week-old muck off their boots on a Saturday morning about 30 minutes before the time you were about to meet.
You know who you are.
2) If it rained then your pitch was definitely called off
The majority of Irish football pitches are usually awful but if a single drop of rain fell during the night then your game was definitely called off.
My team’s pitch usually consisted of 60% muck, 39% water and 1% grass.
We still managed to play tiki-taka. *Cough, cough*.
3) You could predict the team
The team was always set in stone and no matter how hard a ‘regular sub’ trained during the week they would never force their way into the starting XI.
If there were any changes made, the decision was usually treated like it was the biggest shock in football since Figo left Barca to join Real Madrid.
4) You would always eye up the opposition on arrival
If your opponents arrived just 10 minutes before kick-off then you always felt as if they were there for the taking. If they were early, wore fancy tracksuits and stared back at your team then you knew you were in for a decent match.
It’s also customary to have a gander at the player that you thought you would be marking. I don’t know why but most footballers could always tell if someone ‘looked’ like a decent player.
5) If a team didn’t do a proper warm-up then they were shite
Ragball Rovers would be a better side than what’s warming up to play against your side because they’re currently taking shots and it looks like they couldn’t kick snow off a rope.
It also doesn’t help that they’ve only got 10 players to start the match, they’re begging the ref to delay kick-off and they haven’t even got a ball to pass around.
They probably jog like this.
6) Your keeper was so small that they got chipped on their own line
There was nothing worse than losing a game because your keeper hadn’t managed to hit puberty yet and be tall enough to reach the crossbar.
The opposition would then usually just shoot from anywhere and it would go in.
7) Win the coin toss, always play with the wind
If your captain came back from the centre-circle and told you that he won the toss but decided to play against the breeze then they’re a fecking eejit.
This is Ireland, the weather changes more times than Eamon Dunphy’s opinion so you might as well use it while you can.
8) It it’s cold then the ball will definitely hit you in the face
All amateur footballers will know that if it’s a cold morning then someone is DEFINITELY getting a smack of a Mitre ball in the face.
9) You knew within 5 minutes if your direct opponent was any good
This is a weird thing when you play football.
You always know after the first head-to-head with the player that you’re playing against, if they were at the races or not.
Then again, the smell of whiskey on their breath was usually a good indicator that this lad wasn’t going to be doing any mad sprints.
Defenders that were on the beer the night before usually tackled like this.
10) You know all of these refs
A) The talker
This referee always gave you a 10 minute story about fair play, respecting his rules, playing to the whistle, having your jersey tucked into your shorts at all times and covering your shinpads before kick-off.
B) Card happy
Every small foul was an instant red card, even a foul throw. I swear to God, there was a referee in my division who actually refused to carry a yellow card because every bookable offence was a straight red to him.
David Elleray looked like a lenient wimp in comparison to this guy.
C) Santa Claus
There was always one ref in the league with a beard and a belly. Hero.
11) The dopey lad on your team
One player would always get lost whilst travelling to away games, even if it was just around the corner, and they’re usually the same person that always got caught out when the clocks went forward and backwards.
12) Bag-packing in your local supermarket was a must to raise money
We’ve all had to pack shopping bags in your local supermarket at one point in our lives because the funds for that foreign tournament abroad or your new jerseys weren’t going to magically raise themselves.
Then again, there was always one lad that was usually flirting with the girls on the tills or making eyes at one of the mams that popped in to do their shopping.
Chancer.
13) Rain makes any match 63% better
I don’t know why, but any match is always improved when it starts to rain near or around the 20 minute mark, probably because it separates the men from the boys.
I used to hate the opening day of the season because the sun would drain any energy that you had, plus no player was ever 100% match-sharp on the opening day.
I think it’s safe to say that Irish footballers prefer to play in rain.
14) Nothing beats a hard fought win
Give me a backs to the wall 1-0 win over a 7-0 victory any day of the week.
15) Taking down the nets is a pain in the arse
The tallest member of the team would always support the smallest one on their shoulders. That’s the rule.
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