What a bunch of loaners.
Chelsea are so spoiled for choice nowadays that 29 of their players are now out on loan.
Most recently, Victor Moses completed a deadline day switch to West Ham, meaning that Chelsea have more players plying their trade elsewhere than at Stamford Bridge.
We decided to split the loanees up into to two (relatively) evenly matched sides and see who would come out trumps if Chelsea’s rejects went head-to-head.
Chel-C
Goalkeeper: Matej Delac
Delac is a Bosnian keeper who has been at Chelsea for an unbelievable five years, making him one of the clubs longest serving players. Only it doesn’t, because he’s never played a single competitive game in that time. Now at Sarajevo.
Centre-half: Kenny Omeruo
Omeruo actually had a relatively successful spell at Middelsbrough last year, making 33 appearances. This year he’s been farmed out to Kasimpasa. He’s 21 with 28 international caps for Nigeria, so it’s safe to say he could be doing better for himself.
Centre-half: Tomas Kalas
Unlike the first two players on this list, Tomas Kalas has actually played a game for Chelsea. Two, in fact! Sadly, he’s failed to sufficiently impress and he’s spending his second straight season as a Middlesbrough player.
Centre-half: Wallace
Remember that scene in The Wire where D’Angelo keeps demanding to know ‘Where Wallace at?’, but deep down he knows Wallace is never coming back? That’s what Chelsea fans have been asking since 2013. Luckily, this Wallace is at Carpi and not dead.
Centre-mid: Marco Van Ginkel
Van Ginkel’s career looked bright before Chelsea took him under their wing, and the young midfielder could yet thrive at Stoke. He’s played in every game so far this season and has been capped for the Netherlands, so his career is far from over.
Centre-mid: Ulises Davila
Ulises Davila plays football for Chelsea in the same way that anyone born after 2003 supports Chelsea. He’s been there five years and probably still hasn’t seen The Shed End.
Right-mid: Christian Atsu
Hard to slate Christian Atsu. He’s played at a World Cup, shone for Porto and now he’s trying to prove himself with Bournemouth. Looked very good before signing for Chelsea but didn’t get a look-in at Everton during his loan stint on Merseyside.
Left-mid: Mario Pasalic
This is another player whose loan isn’t exactly holding him back. Pasalic is currently at a top French team in Monaco, is playing regularly and had featured for Croatia before even turning 20. Could come back and do big things in the Premier League.
Right-wing: Juan Cuadrado
Chelsea paid upwards of £20 million for Juan Cuadrado last January, presumably to prevent somebody else from signing him, because he sure as hell never got a look in at Chelsea despite being a star of the 2014 World Cup squad. He’s been loaned to Italian champions Juventus, which is pretty much the best loan you could ask for.
Left-wing: Joao Rodriguez
We’ve had to shunt striker Joao Rodriguez out onto the wing but it’s no worse than what Chelsea have done to him since 2013, loaning him to six different clubs of which we only knew one (who the hell are Uniautonoma?)
Striker: Stipe Perica
Stipe Perica was loan to Dutch side NAC Breda last term and performed well, scoring 9 goals (he’s only 19, remember). This earned him a step up in the Chelsea set up, but not to the first team, no. He’s just got a slightly better loan deal this year. Now he’s at Udinese.
Chel-D:
Goalkeeper: N/A
Chel-C immediately have a sizeable advantage over their opponents, because Chelsea have only got one keeper out on loan at the moment. Maybe centre-half Alex Davey, on loan to Peterborough will jump in nets.
Centre-half: Nathan Ake
Ake has played five times for Chelsea but he’s never looked great. He’s spending this season at Watford but they haven’t started him yet. Somehow we doubt that will change too dramatically over the coming months.
Centre-half: Todd Kane
Todd Kane, only 21, is another player who has been at Chelsea for far longer than most of the first team squad. Having had four loan spells in England, Chelsea have nudged him further away this season with a loan to Nijmegen. How long is his contract?!
Centre-half: Andreas Christensen
Capped twice for Denmark with only two appearances at senior club level. Someone sees something in this kid but we won’t be seeing it in the Prem any time soon. He’s at Borussio Monchengladbach for the year.
Centre-mid: Lucas Piazon
The future could yet prove bright for Lucas Piazon who’ll be spending the year at Reading. The young Brazilian had a very promising spell at Vitesse two years ago but has since petered out.
Centre-mid: Lewis Baker
Another player sent out to Vitesse, Chelsea’s satellite town. Never picked regularly at his other loan destinations (Sheffield Wednesday and MK Dons). Not going to replace Nemanja Matic any time soon.
Right-mid: Mohamed Salah
Chelsea plucked Salah right out from underneath Liverpool’s nose a few Januaries back and he has since looked impressive both for his mother club and for Fiorentina. Only 23, he’ll probably have a very successful career once he settles down – but Mourinho clearly doesn’t want him.
Left-mid: Isaiah Brown
Brown has slotted right in at (you guessed it) Vitesse and he’s only 18 so we’re very much at the start of his story. Could prove to be a big player for Chelsea, or for somebody else.
Right-wing: Marko Marin
Another player who probably could be thriving if only he’d settled somewhere else. Marko Marin has gone from a regular player for the German national team to a veritable nobody, featuring only six times for Anderlecht last season.
Left-wing: Victor Moses
Ignoring his torrid time at Liverpool, Victor Moses has had a pretty good career. He sort of seems to fit the journeyman archetype so all the moving around doesn’t seem like too much of a big deal anyway. Now he’s at West Ham, and we predict he’ll contribute exactly 3 goals and 5 assists this season.
Striker: Patrick Bamford
Patrick Bamford is a boy genius, in case you didn’t know. He plays like ten instruments and he’s been offered a place at Harvard University. Not a bad fall-back. I guess he doesn’t mind getting shifted around by Chelsea so much. He tore up the Championship with Boro last year and could do the same in the Premier League this year with Crystal Palace.
Our verdict:
We’re going to have to go with a 5-4 to Chel-D on this one. They’re bound to concede a hat-ful without a recognised keeper anywhere to be seen, but we can still see the combination of Piazon, Salah, Marin and Bamford doing far more damage to Chel-C’s inexperienced defense.
One thing is for sure, Chelsea have enough players on their books now that they could branch out into racquetball or something similar, and if their Premier League results continue to be as poor as they have been so far, that might not be such a bad idea.
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