Now that Roy Keane has turned 40, many have speculated on the future options for the former midfielder and manager. Here are our ten top ideas for Keano.
Football ground food critic
Back in his Manchester United days, Keane outraged a certain less hardcore Red Devils fanbase by saying that they were far more interested in tucking into their prawn sandwiches than paying attention to a game.
However, we reckon that Keane was just jealous that he never got to sample the culinary delight while he was running up and down the pitch for 90 minutes. Or perhaps he’d prefer a pie and bag of Quavers as he wanders the grounds of England during his self-enforced sabbatical from management.
Either way, whether he’s become a prawn sandwich convert in the intervening years is something we’re all wondering, so the prospect of a fiery football ground food critic in Keano would be a sight to behold.
Professional Patrick Vieira botherer
Whether he was squaring up to the Frenchman before a crucial game against Arsenal, fighting for control of the centre of the pitch in every game they contested or referring to him as a “softie” in a Sunderland press conference, Keane was no fan of Patrick Vieira.
They didn’t get on…
Now that both are retired we would welcome Keane bothering the new Manchester City Football Development Executive at every turn, heckling him at press conferences and crudely scribing ‘Viera -L- Men’ outside the Eastlands walls.
Part-time dog walker
The pre-World Cup Saipan bust-up is best immortalised in the frequent sight of Keane taking his beloved labrador Triggs for a walk, non-politely asking reporters to go away while she urinated on lampposts.
A year after the tragic death of his pet, we reckon Keane should dust himself off and start his own dog-walking service, complete with the knowledge that Keano will bail in if your dog finds itself in a ruck with the neighbour’s alsatian.
Eamon Dunphy bodyguard
Not many people like or respect Eamon Dunphy, but he’s pretty enjoyable entertainment all the same, primarily due to his innate ability to take the ignorant, purely contrarian view on every argument.
With Dunphy always just one sentence away from a pitchfork-wielding mob’s bloodlust, perhaps he could find protection in the form of his ghostwriting subject for ‘Keane: The Autobiography‘. That is if they’ve patched things up ever since Dunphy ‘completely made up’ quotes attributed to Keane’s career-ending challenge on Alf-Inge Haaland.
Liam Miller heckler
Before Darron Gibson was dubbed ‘The New Roy Keane’ (yes, a YouTube video with that title exists…), that impossible-to-live-up-to tag fell to Liam Miller, once of Manchester United but now of the mighty Perth Glory.
We’re not sure how Keane reacts to average footballers being linked to his name but surely he’d enjoy a little schadenfreude at the expense of fellow Corkman Miller. It’d be a pretty long flight though and it is just to see Liam Miller, so maybe not.
B*llocks sticker-upper
Whether it was perennial arch enemies Alf Inge-Haaland, Mick McCarthy, Patrick Vieira, Alan Shearer or the entire media, Roy Keane was fond of telling people to stick it up their b*llocks, but less forthcoming as how or why he recommended such action.
With plenty of free time as he turns 40, we would give good money to watch Keane stick Shearer’s b*llocks up him, which we imagine would employ the use of some sort of super-wedgie on the Toon legend.
I, Keano cameo star
Let’s face it, we Irish got a little bit ahead of ourselves during the Saipan incident, which is why a satire on the whole sorry ordeal, I, Keano, ended up running in Irish theatre’s long after Keane’s retirement.
Spoiler: The joke gets old very quickly
Perhaps the Manchester United legend could be enticed to appear on stage for one last performance of the show, before turning to face the audience and mocking them for coming to pay for such a rubbish show. With swearing preferably – lots of swearing.
Future Irish president
Gay Byrne’s doing it, Dana’s doing it – why shouldn’t Roy Keane run for the Irish presidency? He has vast foreign affairs experience (Saipan = bad, Manchester = good), he has never sought clemency for Ezra Nawi (although it would be a huge coincidence if he had) and he’s represented Ireland on the international stage whenever the call was made. Aside from in 2002, ahem.
Anger management counsellor
According to Keane, he used his aggression on the pitch to such an extent because he felt it was the only frame of mind to ensure success.
This doesn’t explain why he was a bit angry off the pitch too but either way, we reckon Keane could channel his years of angry outburst by offering his advice to rage-fuelled clients.
And hey, if it turns out that your time with Keane wasn’t extremely helpful, at least you can tell people that the former Manchester United midfielder shouted expletives in your direction for your full booked hour, and who wouldn’t pay for that privilege?
One-man London riot deterrent
If anyone knows about ‘disaffected’ members of the public, it’s Roy Keane. After all, he had to deal with them during his entire ill-fated managerial spell at Ipswich Town. With Hulk Hogan wading in on the subject of the London Riots and asking Hulkamaniacs to “run wild” at the looting looneys, perhaps the time has come for a real hero to step up.
We’re not talking about a middle-aged man in a bald spot-covering bandana, we’re talking about Roy Keane single-handedly dispensing merciless knee injuries to hoodied gang members, shouting in the face of those carrying 52″ TVs until they cry and finally, after cleaning up the streets for good, enjoying a long walk with a new labrador by his side.
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