We’ve been through them all.
The Republic of Ireland resume their Euro 2016 campaign tonight as Poland arrive at the Aviva Stadium looking to cement their status as group leaders.
It’s going to be a nervous affair this evening and here’s our 20 step guide to following the boys in green during an international week.
1) The final week of club football
Even if you usually take no interest in the week-to-week fortunes of Hull City or Ipswich Town, you’re eagerly glued to Soccer Saturday and the clubs’ online match tracker because you’re hoping to God that no Irish player gets injured.
Cue the inevitable withdrawal and injuries.
Don’t worry though because Paul Green has been called up from the standby list. The opposition start crapping themselves with this breaking news.
After hearing about the Rotherham United player’s call-up, every Irish fan has this face.
2) Pessimism in the build-up
Unfortunately this is the de facto mode for all Irish football fans, not because we’re negative, but because of the many painful last minute heartbreaks that we’ve experienced over the years.
Lichtenstein, Macedonia and most recently France and Austria to name just a few. Everyone is against us, even the referee.
The names of Toni Polster, Goran Stavrevski, Tayfur Havutçu, Thierry Henry and David Alaba still give me the 3am shakes. What about you?
Also, it’s not a good idea to think about our home record against the so called ‘bigger countries’ in competitive matches over the last few years. Seriously, don’t do it.
Being a die-hard Irish supporter has aged most fans worse than 50 years of constant Fr Jack-esque drinking ever could.
It doesn’t help that Eamon Dunphy has instilled a belief in all of us that every single player in our squad is a clown, spoofer or headbanger.
There’s no such thing as great players anymore, apart from Lorenzo the Argentina centre-back.
The last of the greats were ‘Chippy and John’, they’re class baby.
3) The squad announcement
Your wildest dreams haven’t come true because Martin O’Neill hasn’t magically unearthed the new Lionel Messi since the last qualifier.
Leon Best is also unavailable in a double-whammy of shite news.
We’re convinced that this ‘Irish Messi’ is out there playing in Termonfeckin. We’re sure of it.
Here’s what Mícheál O’Messi looks like in our imagination, playing in the famous green strip in 2018.
He’s no use to us now though.
4) The O.T.T analysis on Sky Sports
The stat-alizer machine in the Sky Sports gives us some ridiculous factoid about the last time that Ireland beat Poland in Dublin as the build-up gathers pace.
While this life-changing piece of information is digesting, Sky Sports News calls up a former Irish international, most likely Clinton Morrison, for his take on the squad.
Being that he’s a legend, Clint gives Jim White a few completely undecipherable clichés about ‘3 points’, ‘team spirit’ and something about ‘imported Casio watches for sale in Camden market.’
Jim White just smiles and nods. Clinton is a hero.
5) Quiet reflection
The game is edging ever closer and you allow yourself to read some of the opinion pieces, papers and articles about the match.
It’s like that bit in Indiana Jones because your head will now be melted until kick-off time.
Regardless if Ireland were playing Argentina, Germany or Poland, you now feel like there’s a weakness in the opposition that will definitely be exploited.
You’ve now convinced yourself that Paul McShane would have Lionel Messi in his pocket, Joe Lapira is an even better defender than Diego Godin and that a 34-year-old Robbie Keane could make Sergio Ramos look like a slower version of Gary Doherty in a race.
Believe.
6) Obsessing about every small detail
The cat has now been let out of the bag as you spend every free moment slaving over the smallest detail.
How did the team shape up in training drills, who’s carrying a knock, why did John O’Shea switch from eating Frosties to Sugar Puffs?
Was it something Richie ‘Honey Monster’ Dunne told him? Tell me!
It’s at this point when your mates intervene and tell you to be smooth, like Mick McCarthy.
7) Blind panic about the opposition
You were so confident beforehand but all this analysis has made you do a complete 180 in your own head.
All of a sudden, Poland look like they’re the most incredible team in the history of football.
8) A woefully inaccurate preview from a former player
There’s always some ex-player, that has no clue about the preferred starting XI or system, who tries to predict the team and fails. Badly.
9) The bandwagon is back in town
The rugger was loike so last week because it’s now all about the ‘footie’.
God even typing that horrible word makes me feel so dirty that I need to shower and scrub myself with a steal brillo pad.
Cue all those insufferable and opinionated people talking utter shite in bars and on Twitter.
They probably also have the gall to claim that they were there at Windsor Park when Alan McLoughlin scored against Northern Ireland.
These folk wouldn’t know the difference between Stuttgart and Saipan.
10) The players meet the press
“Players are fine, we’re expecting a tough game, Poland are a quality side, it’s a huge match but we’re confident of a win.”
Blah, blah, blah.
All of a sudden, Robbie Keane stuns the world with this shock announcement.
11. All is quiet in the camp until…
12) Martin O’Neill’s quick response
13) Plans to watch the match
One of your mates informs you that they can’t make the game for some bizarre reason.
14) The other matches in the group
You ask the bartender in the pub to switch on the early kick-off in our group, Scotland v Gibraltar, because it’s incredibly important to know every detail of how the group is shaping up.
Plus you also have a €20 bet on Scotland scoring inside the first 5 minutes.
Cue an epic stare from the barman because of this request, it’s almost like you insulted him or something.
He looks at you like this.
15) The only song worth hearing
Your pint is almost finished and you need to hear this song before kick-off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHOZCsvBtWs
16) Pre-match build-up
The tactics, preparation and interviews all build the levels of excitement for those fans watching at home.
Guest pundit Kenny Cunningham once again brilliantly demonstrates how most players end up being trapped in a cube.
17) The team announcement
The team is named as you overhear some person instantly deflate your beer-induced optimism by saying ‘can’t believe he picked Ward. He looks so out of his depth at this level that he needs armbands’ or ‘Jaysus! McGeady couldn’t cross himself, never mind the ball.’
Cheers for that lads.
18) The match
You’re more nervous than a gombeen doing the Irish oral exam for the Leaving Cert and the opening few minutes doesn’t help calm your nerves.
Plus, you’re convinced that the possession stats look like this in favour of Poland.
The game is evenly balanced until a late and dramatic Irish winner, probably from a set-piece, that’s scored by the one and only.
19) The inevitable Twitter reaction
20) Dunphy might say something like this
This clip is 25-years-old but the principle remains solid. Don’t ever change Eamo.
COYBIG!
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