In Thursday’s Transfer Window, we take a look at the comings and goings at Britain and Europe’s top clubs and Liverpool.
By Conor Hogan
To look or listen to Roy Hodgson is deceptive. His intelligence, his friendly owl-like face and charming speech impediment make him seem like he wouldn’t hurt a fly. But this isn’t the case. He would gladly hurt hundreds of flies, spiders, dung beetles, slugs and millipedes. He is even known to pull the legs off Daddy-long-legs.
Our advice – don’t make Roy Hodgson angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. He doesn’t quite turn green and increase in size to such a considerable degree that all his clothes fly off him (apart from his underwear conveniently) but there is a transformation nonetheless, and it can be very scary. He is known to rip seats apart from their hinges, and crush whole almonds with nothing but his fists.
Angry Roy Hodgson
A man set to feel the wrath of Angry Roy is Rafa Benitez. The Spaniard made a promise to Hodgson that he wouldn’t try and buy any of Liverpool’s players after he was appointed Inter manager. He even made that promise in writing. No sooner was it signed than that promise was broken, and Benitez has relentlessly pursued Dirk Kuyt all summer.
Now the Dutchman has told Angry Roy he wants to leave. Javier Mascherano may also end up at Inter Milan, after Benitez has tried to hijack Barcelona’s move for the Argentinean, by offering £20million. Mascherano has his heart set on the Catalonian club, however, and the more time passes with him not moving to them, the more people fear for his mental health.
One of them is Lionel Messi. He believes it has become something of a human rights issue. He has asked Liverpool to do “the humane thing†and let Mascherano join Barcelona. Allow him to end his “Liverpool nightmare.†The main sticking point is the asking price, however, with Liverpool valuing him at £24million – Barca’s last offer amounted to a signed copy of Miley Cyrus’ autobiography Miles to Go, a TV hat, an Android phone and Alexander Hleb.
Elsewhere
Somebody who won’t be joining Barcelona is Charles N’Zogbia, though he does look likely to sign for the Barcelona of Britain, Birmingham. The stroppy Frenchman looks like he could cost the Blues £9million. Alex McLeish also wants to pay £2million for Crystal Palace’s American country music singer Nathaniel ‘Patsy’ Clyne. Cline is best known for his rich tone and emotionally expressive bold contralto voice.
There are set to be big ins and outs at Newcastle, as Steven Taylor has been transfer listed for being a greedy bastard. They are eyeing up Man City’s Dedryck Boyata on loan as a replacement. Boyata comes from Uccle, one of the more well-to-do areas of Brussels, and the site of the Belgian national weather station. Also from Uccle is fellow Man City player Vincent Kompany and famous Mathematician Jacques Tits, creator of the combinatorial and geometric structure called Tits building.
Newcastle also want to sign Germany 06’s sexiest footballer Roque Santa Cruz (as voted for by readers of Die Welt) on loan from City. West Ham want to sign Kyle Naughton on loan from this year’s eventual Champions League winners Tottenham Hotspur. Harry Redknapp’s men came from behind against Young Boys last night.
Chelsea have renewed their interest in Santos’ Neymar, even though he just signed a new contract, Leicester look like signing Japanese World Cup star Yuki Abe, Fulham have made a £2.5million bid for PSV’s Carlos Salcido, Robinho has rejected a £19million move to Fenerbache, while Diego is undergoing a medical at Steve McClaren’s Wolfsburg ahead of a €15million move. Diego only joined Juventus a year ago for €24.5million.
SPL in a bucket
Rangers’ Kenny Miller is currently negotiating a new contract with Rangers. He rejected a contract offer earlier this year.
Stirling Albion looks like signing free agent Laurent Remy, while Dundee United’s Francisco Sandaza should join Swansea very soon.
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