JOE’s latest transfer window special looks into the dealings of Celtic, Man City, Arsenal, Chelsea, Aston Villa and most of the Premier League.
By Conor Hogan
Chelsea and Man City
As we delve into the wonderful and strange world of transfer rumours, let us begin with one that makes absolutely no sense. Didier Drogba’s agent says that the Ivorian wants to leave Chelsea, a rich club in the Champions League for Man City, a rich club not in the Champions League.
City are apparently willing to pay £20m for the 32-year-old. Yes, that’s right. £20m! 32-year-old. Chelsea have denied this, City have denied this, and it looks a bit like the agent is fishing for a better deal for his client a la John Terry a summer ago.
One Chelsea player who will definitely be leaving is Deco, who has reaffirmed his desire to move back to Brazil. His announcement came as a bit of surprise to staff at Stamford Bridge, as they had no idea that he was still at the club. Ashley Cole could also be on his way, with Real Madrid the likely destination. A move to Spain would suit Cole, as he “hates England and all the f*cking people.”
While Drogba is unlikely to join Man City, Michah Richards look-a-like Mario Balotelli isn’t. City Chiefs refuse to pay over the odds for the 19-year-old. Like they refused to pay over the odds for Joleon Lecott, like they refused to pay over the odds for Roque Santa Cruz.
Expect City to eventually fork out around £76 billion and one of the moons of Saturn for Balotelli, who is also a target for Man Utd. Inter will try and use the money to sign Bosnian superstar Edin Dzeko from Steve McClaren’s Wolfsburg. The German club refuse to lower their asking price of €45m however.
SPL in a bucket
David James is set to retire from football by signing a two-year contract at Celtic. Liam Lawrence continues to shout ‘sign me’ in the direction of Glasgow, but his requests are currently falling on deaf ears.
Everyone’s favourite headless chicken, apart from Mike the Headless Chicken, Aiden McGeady is the subject of a £10m offer from Martin O’Neill’s Aston Villa. While Celtic have asked Martin to stop trying to offload Emile Heskey to them in a part exchange.
Celtic target Robbie Keane is set to have negotiations with Aston Villa and Fulham. The Glasgow club remain reasonably confident, however, that the Irish captain will flop at Villa, before being eventually loaned back out to Celtic, where he will score 37 goals in three matches.
Rangers meanwhile are set to sign nobody whatsoever, like they’ve done for the past three years. Apart from Jamie Bullard on loan that is, but that hardly counts. Marlon Harewood is set to reject Rangers to link up with David O’Leary at UAE club Al Ahli.
Aberdeen’s Mark McGee is set to ‘battle it out’ with Heart’s Jim Jeffries over free agent Paul Hartley. This battle will take place in the Thunderdrome, and will be officiated by Tina Turner. Jeffries will win, leaving McGee to wander lonely through the arid wastelands of a post-apocalyptic world . . . or maybe not.
Gordon Strachan is to continue his quest to prove that the Old Firm can compete in the Premier League by signing his fifth millionth SPL player, Craig Conway from Dundee United. Conway will set Middlesbrough back £1m, or the equivalent of one tenth of Aiden McGeady.
Premier dealings
Arsenal’s Croatian/Brazilian forward Eduardo is set to link up with fellow Brazilians Fernandinho, Jadson, Luiz Adriano, Wilian, Douglas Costa and Alex Teixeira, as well as fellow Croatian Darijo Srna at Ukrainian side Shaktar Donetsk. Out-of-contract William Gallas will join Panathinaikos for £25,000 a week and a million squid in his pocket, thank you very much.
Arsene Wenger is going to compensate for the loss of these players with a very un-Wenger like shopping bonanza worth £42m, as he targets Ajax trio Gregory van der Wiel, Marten Stekelenburg and Luis Suarez. The signings of Stekelenburg and Suarez suggest Almunia’s days at Arsenal are more than numbered.
Wigan are interested in signing Argentinian goal-machine Franco Di Santo from Chelsea on loan. Luis Fabiano has stated that he would rather stay with Sevilla, despite being linked with next season’s Champions League winners Tottenham Hotspur. Sunderland are after both Titus Bramble and Sol Campbell, who is also considering an offer from German Bundesliga side St. Pauli.
Liverpool and Stoke are interested in Wigans’ shoot from anywhere Honduran defender Maynor Figueroa, while Premier League new-boys Blackpool are going to snap up Robert Koren on a free and are keeping tabs on Celtic’s Paddy McCourt. The Northern Ireland international has only played 13 times for the Glasgow club in two years, but is capable of stuff like this.
Spurs, West Ham and Liverpool are to engage in a menage a trois for Nice’s Loic Remy. Strangely, the Hammers are currently favourite as their offer is the most acceptable for the Ligue 1 side. If West Ham can’t get Remy, however, they will turn their attention to Rosario Central ‘hitman’ Milton Caraglio. We presume he’ll play up front for West Ham, rather than take out Gold and Sullivan’s enemies from a clock tower.
Stoke City are looking into a £10m move for Tottenham flop David Bentley, who managed to be alright for long stretches of last season. Aston Villa could also make a bid, if James Milner’s £30m move to Man City is completed. Newcastle, meanwhile, are set to sign St. Etienne’s 23-year old defender Yohan Benaloune.
The Magpies’ originally bid for the Frenchman believing him to be 30-year-old Israeli attacking-midfielder Yossi Benayoun, and are so embarrassed that they can’t back out of it. Mahamadou Diarra is also a target for Chris Hughton’s team, though the Mali international would apparently rather sit on the bench for Madrid than play for the Toon Army.
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