In Monday’s Transfer Window, we take a look at all the rumours surrounding Aston Villa, Tottenham, Man City, Celtic and many more.
By Conor Hogan
Due to not being picked, Roman Pavlyuchenko was feeling very low last season. He was considering moving away from Tottenham until, during a weekend visit to Scotland, he came across three witches. ‘Lesser than Jermain Defoe, yet greater,’ said the first witch.
‘Less happy than Robbie Keane, yet happier,’ said the second. ‘Should I move from Tottenham, possibly back to Spartak Moscow?’ he asked them. ‘Pavlyuchenko shall always have a chance of playing up front for Tottenham and scoring,’ the witches replied, ‘until Derbyshire moves to the West Midlands.’ They also told him he would be Thane of Cawdor.
Due to the fact that Derbyshire was in the East Midlands, Pavlyuchenko knew such a move was impossible, geographically speaking. As such he decided to stick it out at Spurs.
He got his reward at the end of the season with a run in the team and scored many goals. He became a little worried when he wasn’t picked on the opening day of the season, but trusted the witches as their prediction that he would become Thane of Cawdor came true.
Then on a wet August morning, he picked up a newspaper. It read ‘Matt Derbyshire to move to Birmingham City on a six month loan.’ Realising he had been tricked by the witches, and knowing that now he must move to Marseille in a £9.5million deal, the Russian cried out ‘Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the pitch.’
Diego Maradona
Alan Curbishley, Gareth Southgate, Martin Jol, Bob Bradley, Jurgen Klinsmann; of all the names bandied about as contenders for the Aston Villa job, Diego Maradona seemed the least likely. In fact, his name wasn’t bandied about at all.
Villa manager Randy Lerner didn’t seem to be considering the Greatest Player of All TimeTM at all until the Argentinean put his own name forward. His agent Walter Soriano noted how Maradona ‘loves the English countryside.’ Before his name was brought up, Lerner seemed to be gravitating towards Roman Catholic Archbishop of Southwark Kevin MacDonald.
Diego Maradona
The man touted as the ‘Asian Maradona’ Ali Karimi is available on a free transfer after being sacked by his club Steel Azin FC for the crime of not fasting during Ramadan.
Tottenham are targeting Craig Bellamy to replace Pavlyuchenko, though he seems most likely to join Championship side Cardiff on a six month loan deal. Celtic and Everton are also interested. Chelsea are considering offering Stoke £4.5million for their Bosnian substitute goalkeeper Amir Begovic.
Blackburn are offering trials to Gremio’s Edixson Perea Valencia and Toulouse’s Xavier Pentegate. Hatem Ben Arfa, who Newcastle’s Chris Hughton has ‘ben arfa’ has blasted Marseille for not letting him leave. ‘I am a slave,’ he somewhat overdramatically bellowed. He is currently on-strike, as is Wigan’s Charles N’Zogbia, another Frenchman, as he wants an £8million move away. What is it about French players striking? Remember the World Cup.
Raul is trying to convince Robinho to join him at Shalke, Diego wants to join Steve McClaren’s Wolfsburg, but Juventus are refusing him permission to leave, while Chelsea’s Nemanja Matic is to join Bologna on loan. Kevin Prince-Boateng is a target for AC Milan.
SPL in a bucket
Celtic are set to sign Honduran international Emilio Izaguirre from Montagua for £600,000, and have been linked with a triple loan swoop for Man City’s Shay Given, Vladimir Weiss, and the aforementioned Craig Bellamy. Given is also a target for Fulham.
A Russian Tycoon is trying to buy Glasgow Rangers for £75million.
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