At JOE, we’ve recently been cured of our irritable vowel syndrome, and have fallen so in love with six letters that we just had to rank them.
By Conor Hogan
What is a vowel? It is a letter. It is a sound pronounced with an open vocal tract so that there is no build-up of air pressure at any point above the glottis. Not to be confused with Sarah Vowell, American author, journalist and commentator, who voiced the character of Violet in Pixar’s The Incredibles. Or Peter Vowell, a schoolteacher executed in 1654, for being a Catholic and Royalist conspirator.
I love vowels. If I was to ever go on Countdown I’d probably ask for nine of them in a big row. Carol Vordeman would then shout at me, as it is against the rules to pick any less than four consonants. Which is strange because she was replaced by Rachel Riley in 2008. Maybe she just likes to hang around the studio, hoping they’ll give her the old job back. They’ll probably have to forcibly remove her.
Some vowels are better than others. Some vowels mothers are better than other vowels mothers. As such I have decided to grade them.
O: Grade B+
There is nothing like an O. Apart from the number 0 that is, but seeing as the number 0 is nothing, it is safe to say nothing is like an O.
Imagine the kind of world we’d be living in if the letter O didn’t exist. We’d live in a wrld, that’s what. And man would never have landed on the moon, he’d have landed on the mn.
Would we have even wanted to land on it if it was called the mn? Roy Orbison wouldn’t have been the Big O, he’d have been the Big nothing (or nthing) and hits like Nly the lnley would be impossible to sing.
The big O
Word beginning with O: Ovicide
Definition: The murder of sheep or insect eggs
A: Grade C
The letter A is very common and lives in a one bedroom flat, draws the dole and drinks cider all day. He can be terribly maddening, constantly lurching ahead of dogs and women, and loitering in front of churches and toilets.
He is afraid of elephants, ambulances and Eskimos, however, and always hides behind his friend the letter N when he sees them. Sometimes his friend gets nasty and throws A in front of him. Like I (or should that be me), he is both a letter and a word.
He is the shortest word in the English language and has a little bit of a complex about it. His ambition is to be a word that indicates that its noun is a particular one identifiable to the listener. But as much as he tries he’ll never be the definite article.
Give me an A
Word beginning with A: Adelphogamy
Definition: Sharing of a wife by two or more brothers
I: Grade C-
There isn’t that much to say about I (or should that be me). I was born under a wandering star, and when I was young, I never needed anyone.
I met U while she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. They have had an on off relationship, and are currently separated by 12 letters (U claims that I owes her a lot of money).
Despite their current differences mutual friend Dolly Parton claims that I still has strong feelings for U (that he will always love U, to be precise), as does Rock, R&B, funk, pop and New Wave legend Prince. I looks a lot like the number 1, however they aren’t related.
Dolly Parton is a friend of I, Kenny Rogers not so much
Word beginning with I: ignivomous
Definition: vomiting fire
E: Grade B-
It is possible to avoid the letter E, but impossible to escape it. You go to an eatery, and there E is. You order an egg and there E is. Just try getting away from it while trying to enjoy Engelbert Humperdink in an elevator.
E even has its own television station (channel 501 on NTL, channel 151 on Sky Digital) which it runs in conjunction with its friend the exclamation mark! As annoying as E can be, scientists have proven that it is less harmful than Marijuana, Alcohol, Tobacco and Solvents.
Engelbert and his identical twin brother George Dorcey
Word beginning with E: eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious
Definition: Good
U: Grade F
There is a reason U is the first letter of the words useless and ugly. Nobody likes it and wishes it would go away. The Americans have even attempted to completely get rid of it. ‘We don’t take kindly to coloured,’ they can be heard saying, before forcing the word to rewrite itself as colored. U is only a very recent addition to the alphabet.
The bastard child of the letter V. Many don’t see U as in any way necessary. They shout at U in the street before beating it to a pulp, ‘We were perfectly fine spelling the word ‘runner’ in its ‘rvnner’ form before yov came along to take ovr jobs and ovr wemons. What, do yov think we too dvmb to distingvish between damn vowel sovnds and consonant sovnds. Why don’t yov get ovt of my covntry, yov lily livered comvnist?’
The letter U
Word beginning with U: Uxorious
Definition: Being excessively fond of one’s wife
Y: Grade A
A vowel, a consonant, a lover, a fighter, a friend, a countryman, an artist and a leader; the letter Y is all these things, with the exception of the last six I just mentioned.
Style is a word with Y in it. The phrase ‘Why try fly by Sky Bryan?’ is full of Ys behaving like vowels, though admittedly it isn’t a sentence you hear said very often.
It is difficult to explain this strange letter’s position in the English language as both a vowel and a consonant without first making some reference to the Great Vowel Shift of 1450-1750.
Word beginning with Y: Yogibogeybox
Definition: Materials used by a spiritualist
If you don’t believe Y is a vowel, watch this video from an 80s band you’ve never heard of, and they will explain it all.
