The great gumtree scam

JOE.ie has long regarded email and internet-based scams as a type of natural selection – they take cash from people too dumb to be put in charge of their own finances and deny them the funds needed to procreate. However, the rip-off artists have been stepping up their game of late – and are now targeting Irish gumtree users. In the first of our three-part series, joe.ie gets a very welcome email from a very pretty girl. What could go wrong?

Gumtree.ie is used the world over by people looking for everything from a blind date with a manic depressive divorcee to a dodgy Chinese massage. However, it also has more legitimate uses. It features ads on second-hand motors, jobs and thousands of places to stay.

A room became available in JOE.ie towers and it was decided a lodger was required to help cover the costs of our lavish nightly caviar and Old Summerset cider soirees. So with an ad placed on the classifieds’ site, it was time to play the waiting game.

Bizarre

Disappointingly, a string of bizarre individuals started making contact. One chap asked if his pet ferrets would be welcome to stay, while another wanted to know if the room was sound-proofed. Another young man queried whether ‘services’ could be provided in place of rent. Happily, the carnival of oddities was brought to a sudden end with an email from ‘Helen’.

“Hello there, I am Helen,” said Helen.

“I just read through your accommodation advert, I am interested in your place.”

Great. We’re on the same page here.

“I am South African and recently just completed my first degree in Business Administration in the UK. I am planning a visit to Dublin, Ireland as I would be taking a short training course over there starting by the middle of February.”

A high-achieving student no less. And South African? Could bring a bit of international flavour.

“I am looking for a nice and descent place to stay for the period of my course and training. I am easygoing , 25 years of age, honest and respunsible lady and has learnt to respect other people’s cultures and opinions.”

Okay, so she can’t spell or properly punctuate a sentence. No problem, she’s only 25 after all. And she ‘respects other people’s cultures’? Sounds like code for ‘Open to the idea of being pulled by a foreign lad’.

“I am also tidy , I don’t do drugs nor smoke, drinks on social basis and more in between an introvert and extrovert.”

Drinks on a social basis? Hmm. Probably okay. People always understate their alcohol consumption in these situations.

“I would await your response to my enquiry and would be looking forward to your earnest reply.”

Helen is sounding a bit like a school teacher from the 1870s but no problem, could still work.

“NB: Attached is a pic of me.”

Oh. A picture? This is interesting. Do people normally send pictures? Maybe this is the norm in South Africa.

The picture was opened and low and behold – doe-eyed Helen is as fit as a butcher’s dog – in that still pullable girl-next-door type of way. If I was living with this chick, and she’s in a new country in which she knows nobody, it could only be a matter of time. Time for a response.

“Hey Helen,”

I wanted to set her at ease. ‘Hey’ is far less formal than ‘Hi’.

“Thanks for your email.”

Especially the picture.

“I would be more than happy to have someone from abroad staying here.”

I don’t discriminate.

“With regard to the rental rate, I was planning on lowering it to 350 euro per month so I’m happy to offer you this price if that helps.”

This is negotiable. Right down to me paying you to stay here.

“What college are you planning on going to? Let me know if there is anything else you would like to know.”

So I can work out the actual travel time and then cut it in half when I’m telling you about your commute time.

“All the best with the house hunt.”

Please stop looking now.

“JOE.”

Tossing

There was a lot of tossing and turning that night, but mostly just tossing. I hoped the beautiful Helen wouldn’t take too long to get back to me. I prayed the email struck the right chord between casual and informative and that she would still be interested. Happily, there was an email from her sitting in the inbox the following morning. I knew she wouldn’t leave me hanging. Helen isn’t like that.

“Hello JOE,” she said.

“Your rent seems fair enough there and is very ok with me and quite enough facilities available at your place as I was hoping so I would be very interested in renting your place for my stay in Ireland.”

Okay, so she’s either semi-literate or semi-conscious but who cares? She’s still well cute and game ball to come to live in JOE towers.

“Also, I might or would have to send you a deposit of the rent in advance prior to my arrival as this is a standard requirement of the home office  [ As I presently hold an immigrant status here ] and that I guess would also serve as a down-payment for you to reserve the place for me prior to my arrival.”

Rent up front? Get in there! Now I’ll have the money to buy a bed for the fully furnished room I’m renting to her.

“I am only able to make this payment to you now through a certified check or Bank draft (Euro’s travelers check) issued from an Irish bank which I can guarantee you would go into your account either immediately or under 2-3 working days.”

Hmm. Ok. That could work.

“ This is as regards my source of funding which comes from my step father and who has stressed on issuing out check or bank draft payment as regards his disbelief in making payments online, so I guess I have no other option here and I hope that this would be an acceptable form of payment to you.”

Why is she telling me this? I don’t care about her step-father’s views on internet banking.

“Let me know if that would be ok with you so we can proceed with arrangements. I would be looking forward to hear from you soonest. Have a great day.”

She can’t wait to hear from me. This chick is in the bag.

“Regards, Helen.”

If we get married her name will be Helen.ie. Has a nice ring to it.

In our next edition, the fledgling relationship between Joe and Helen begins to turn sour. JOE isn’t happy, and decides to take revenge.