You won’t get a second date.
Valentine’s Day isn’t far away and despite the fact that the cinema is definitely not an ideal location for a first date, it still remains an incredibly popular one. This being said, there are some films that you really shouldn’t watch if you’re in the mood for love.
To clarify, these films are all good, but they’re absolutely shite choices for a first date.
(FYI, we’re going to do our best to keep horror at a minimum. Then again, some horror films are strange aphrodisiacs. You’ll know why we opted for particular ones though)
Requiem for a Dream
Plot: The drug-induced utopias of four Coney Island people are shattered when their addictions run deep.
Lovesick because: In the history of cinema, no film has ever been as depressing as this. Imagine trying to talk about the infamous ‘ass-to-ass’ scene with your date after the movie has ended. Awkward.
Closer
Plot: The relationships of two couples become complicated and deceitful when the man from one couple meets the woman of the other.
Lovesick because: It’s basically a film where everyone is cheating on their partner. Not exactly a good icebreaker with your new girlfriend/boyfriend.
Teeth
Plot: Still a stranger to her own body, a high school student discovers she has a physical advantage when she becomes the object of male violence.
Lovesick because: Razor sharp teeth in a girl’s vagina. It’s a boner killer, in every sense of the term.
Antichrist
Plot: A grieving couple retreat to their cabin in the woods, hoping to repair their broken hearts and troubled marriage. But nature takes its course and things go from bad to worse.
Lovesick because: Horror films are always a required taste, but this one is an absolute doozy.
Genital mutilation, kids throwing themselves out of apartment windows and a close-up of penetration. Lars Von Trier is always good craic.
Revolutionary Road
Plot: A young couple living in a Connecticut suburb during the mid-1950s struggle to come to terms with their personal problems while trying to raise their two children.
Lovesick because: Two hours where a once happy relationship turns to absolute shit. Joy.
(500) Days of Summer
Plot: An offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn’t believe true love exists, and the young man who falls for her.
Lovesick because: Ok, Tom is very emo, but Summer is one of the greatest villains in cinematic history. What type of person would get married, when just a few weeks earlier, they swore off the entire concept of marriage?
She’s a melt and you’ll probably end up arguing with your partner about which character is to blame for their relationship ending. #TeamTom
Sleeping with the Enemy
Plot: A young woman fakes her own death in an attempt to escape her nightmarish marriage, but discovers it is impossible to elude her controlling husband.
Lovesick because: Good man Patrick Bergin, he did some sterling work for the reputation of Irish men on the big screen in this thriller.
Gone Girl
Plot: With his wife’s disappearance having become the focus of an intense media circus, a man sees the spotlight turned on him when it’s suspected that he may not be innocent.
Lovesick because: You REALLY won’t be able to look at your partner in the same way after this.
The Road
Plot: In a dangerous post-apocalyptic world, an ailing father defends his son as they slowly travel to the sea.
Lovesick because: Nothing says romance quite like a scene involving cannibalism and starvation. It somehow manages to get bleaker.
Irreversible
Plot: Events over the course of one traumatic night in Paris unfold in reverse-chronological order as the beautiful Alex is brutally raped and beaten by a stranger in the underpass.
Lovesick because: That scene. THAT ONE UNRELENTING, VISCERAL AND HORRIFYING SCENE.
Fatal Attraction
Plot: A married man’s one-night stand comes back to haunt him when that lover begins to stalk him and his family.
Lovesick because: A mindf**k that’s so good, it even created its own term, bunny boiler.
Blue Valentine
Plot: The relationship of a contemporary married couple, charting their evolution over a span of years by cross-cutting between time periods.
Lovesick because: If Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams can’t make romance work, what chance do you and your date have?
It’s brutal and honest.
Blue Velvet
Plot: The discovery of a severed human ear found in a field leads a young man on an investigation related to a beautiful, mysterious nightclub singer and a group of psychopathic criminals who have kidnapped her child.
Lovesick because: To be honest, what first date doesn’t involve a talk about depraved S&M fantasies? Dennis Hopper saying “Baby wants to f**k!” should be enough to end any blossoming romance.
The Human Centipede
Plot: A mad scientist kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to reassemble them into a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others’ rectums.
Lovesick because: We’re confident in saying that no first date which involved ‘ass-to-mouth’ has led to a second date.
Shame
Plot: A man’s carefully cultivated private life is disrupted when his sister arrives for an indefinite stay.
Lovesick because: Sex addiction, prostitutes, seedy dudes at dodgy clubs, Michael Fassbender’s penis and a very, very strange relationship between a brother and sister.
Maybe you should stick with this list of decent romantic comedies to watch.
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