All we ever hear about is the recession and the bailout, and about how bad things are getting. Here are our first steps to improve this fine nation.
By Conor Hogan
1. Reform of General Elections
Politicians have a difficult job, and God knows our electoral system doesn’t make it any easier for them. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, and ten years a decade, they are engaged in one never-ending campaign to get our votes.
They waste their valuable time fast-tracking passports and planning permission, and writing persuasive letters to Gardaí, when they could be spending it fixing this messed up country of ours. So how can we improve our system to make it easier for them? I say; let’s get rid of elections altogether and install a totalitarian dictatorship.
Now I know what you are thinking; aren’t dictators all mad bastards who run countries into the ground by installing draconian rules based on their own eccentricities? Do we really want to go down that road again after Eamon De Valera? And yes, you’d be right. Many dictators do turn out to be evil despots who persecute their own people. But then again, some don’t. For every Stalin or Hitler, there is a Giusuppe Garabaldi or an Alex Ferguson.
And people forget that Real Madrid won six European cups under the stewardship of Francisco Franco. So I say, let’s install Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary as Leader for Life (he’ll knows how to save us money), have him sack anyone who refuses to take a 90 per cent pay cut, and not let the rest of the politicians worry about pointless things like democracy or approval ratings.
2. Go to War
Nothing distracts people from the bad things that go on at home than a good old fashioned war on foreign soil. Thatcher’s approval rates shot up during the Falklands conflict, people forgot about Clinton’s extra-curricular activities for a few weeks when he bombed Yugoslavia, and Ronald Regan was one of the most popular presidents in US history precisely because he started more wars than any other president.
In fact, I’d go as far as to say that the reason we moan so much as a nation is that we haven’t had a war since 1923.
But who could we possibly go to war with? This is no slight on our soldiers (who do a fine job on peace keeping missions) but our resources don’t compare to most nations of our size. Also, if we invade the wrong small nation, they could have large allies come in to blow us straight to hell. There are a couple of options though.
We could handle these guys in a fight
The first is an area of Antarctica called Marie Byrd Land, that is over 20 times the size of Ireland. It’s the largest area of undeclared land in the world and, luckily for us, it’s unpopulated for most of the year (apart from some penguins, but I think we could take them).
The second option (if it’s a war with actual people you want) is the Pitcairn Islands, an isolated nation located halfway between New Zealand and Argentina in the Southern Pacific Ocean. It has a population of only 50 and the weather is a lot warmer than Marie Byrd Land. It’s technically a British overseas Territory, but I honestly think they might have forgotten about it.
3. Go to Space
While FÁS certainly wasted a lot of money on useless projects, their NASA Programme wasn’t one of them. For like me, FÁS knows the future of job creation in Ireland lies not in this planet but in Outer Space. While Ireland is only small (and as such job opportunities are small), Space is infinite, and as such there must be an infinite number of jobs out there.
While all the other Space Programmes are concentrating on the Moon and Mars, the Irish one could exploit the gap in the market, and put all its attention into Venus. Other countries have dismissed Venus, just because its surface is 500 degrees and its impossible to set foot on without dieing horribly.
However, there is always the option that we could send down super-robots (developed by people in FÁS courses, naturally) to the surface to do the work for us, while we would live in floating spherical bubbles in the Venusian Clouds (which are very habitable). It would be expensive, but no more expensive than NAMA, and some Irish people already are quite used to living with their heads in the clouds.
4. A New National Anthem for Rugby
Ireland’s Call was written by Phil Coulter (the writer of the Cliff Richard’s ‘Congratulations’ and Sandy Shaw’s ‘Puppet On A String‘) and unfortunately it is rubbish. I can’t say I blame Ulstermen not wanting to sing Amhrán na bhFiann, when it has lines that translate to ‘See in the east a silv’ry glow/ Out yonder waits the Saxon foe’.
The idea: to create an anthem acceptable on both sides of the border, is admirable, but couldn’t they have come up with something a bit less underwhelming? As such, I propose as a compromise, that we sing the words of the United Kingdom National Anthem, substituting the word Ireland for Queen, have it sung in Irish and to the tune of whatever song is number one in the charts that week. Who could possibly object to that?
5. New Emigration Laws
The economic situation in Ireland is getting to be as bad as the 1980s (or worse arguably), and many of our best and brightest are leaving these shores to find work abroad. Why not use this this situation to get rid of some people that we genuinely don’t want, and introduce new emigration laws that force people like Jedward, Bono, and the women who present Xpose to permanently live abroad?
6. Laws on Sunglasses
Sunglasses are great for protecting your eyes from UV rays. However, we propose that anyone who is caught wearing them indoors, or when it isn’t sunny, should be fined six hundred-and-eighty-three Euro and fifty-seven cents.
7. St Patrick’s Day
Everybody loves St. Patrick’s Day. An excuse to get as drunk as you want, watch parades, and sing about how you wish you were in back in the old country (even though that’s where you are) and generally embrace your Irish-ness (whatever that exactly entails).
However, please don’t ever, ever wear this man’s hat
So why only have it on for one day? Let us have a St. Patrick’s week, or a St. Patrick’s month (we could rename March, Patrickuary). Or why not have a year of green-haired hoo-hawing and baladerring? Awaken the stereotype within you.
8. National Moan About The Weather Day
Irish people love to moan. I love to moan. In fact, this article is just one long moan. And there is nothing we like to moan about more than the weather. ‘Will it ever stop raining?’ ‘The cold out there today is terrible’ ‘I’m not used to this heat, it’s doing me in’ ‘I hope it starts raining soon, the grass will be destroyed’.
So if we don’t have more Patrick’s Days, why not devote a national holiday to our favourite pastime? Imagine a whole 24 hours, where the only topic of conversation was how bad the rain, or the snow, or the heat was. We’d be in reams of ecstasy by the end of it. Or else, we’d get it out of our system. Either way, it’s worth a try.
9. The Irish Olympics
Let’s have an alternate Olympic games held in Ireland, that specialises in activities that Irish people are generally better at than other countries, like Hurling, Gaelic Football, Gaelic Handball, Poc Fada, singing Sean-nos, drinking Guinness, Ploughing Championships, bog-snorkelling, etc. It will be a great boost to Irish self esteem to pick up loads of medals, ahead of the 2012 London Olympics, where we probably won’t.
10. Cancel Fair City
Not just cancel it, let’s burn all the tapes and pretend it never existed. Let us ban anyone on RTE from ever mentioning it again, and make sure none of its actors get parts in anything else, lest we be reminded of it by seeing them again. Let us make sure the writers and directors of the show wear badges saying, ‘I wrote/directed Fair City and am thoroughly ashamed of myself’, and let us have permission to throw eggs in their direction if we see them.
What I’m saying, basically is that it is a pretty bad show. Though not as bad as ‘The Last Furlong’ was. Anyone remember that show? I didn’t think so.
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