All we ever hear about is the recession and the bailout, and about how bad things are getting. Here’s part two of our steps to improve this fine nation. If you missed part one you can find it here.
Rising unemployment, widespread distrust of Government, Cadbury’s Mini Eggs back in hibernation – at times it seems as if Ireland has never had to struggle with so much in recent memory. However, in our past we’ve conquered all challenges, be it a Potato Famine, British Oppression or that bizarre mid-90s line dancing revival. It’s time to make this nation great once more and after much, much consideration, ten sure-fire solutions emerged to bring us back on the road to recovery.
11. Bring back the giant 50p
One of the many joys of dusting and spring cleaning around the house is when you accidentally stumble upon an old money box upon your travels, which may contain relics that hark back to a time when we could see the crisps on the outside of the bag – the Irish punt. Whilst our pound notes were curiously accompanied by a hatless Monopoly man (£50) or an androgynous nun (£5), we still had the envy of Europe in our fabulously oversized 50p coin.
Now that’s a coin
Whilst some countries had the audacity to adorn their currency with national treasures, Ireland had the good sense to attach each coin to a different animal – a pre-Pokemon stroke of genius. Our 50p featured a stork and according to Wikipedia “was never reduced in size – (like it was in the UK)”. This fact alone transformed the coin into a tremendous source of national pride, as British tourists and immigrants were repeatedly harassed in public for their diminutive currency, with particularly intelligent Irishmen linking the coin size to British genitalia.
12. Deport Jedward
Quickly. Once the laughing stock becomes aware of the joke and starts to play along, embarrassing its nation worldwide, serious repercussions must follow. If it wasn’t enough that their horrendous Mexican-themed fast food advert forever sullied the finename of “seemed like a good idea at the time” eatery Abrekebabra, the satanic spawn have their sights set on remaking an apparently famous Shake & Vac commercial and are continuing to shamelessly hawk the incredibly deep Japanese RPG Dragon Quest IX by wearing bunny tails. Following the Government’s intervention and successful deportation of mid-2000s irritant George McMahon (“Mondo from Fair City as he likes to be known) it is an imperative that Brian & Co put a stop to these big-haired tykes at once.
13. Win the Eurovision
Before it was the preserve of Nordic death-metal and post-Soviet Union state extravagance, the Eurovision was a much-respected talent showcase. Or at least that’s what the media told us when we kept winning it. Yes, before we shipped over ugly game-show winners from Louth, we Irish had a sterling reputation abroad – winning the contest consecutively from 1992-94 and once again in 1996, creating difficult pub quiz answers of winners Eimear Quinn and Niamh Kavanagh in the process. Is it too much for Ireland to relive the glory years and send our brightest and best to reclaim our dignity? Probably – but we can’t do much worse than a turkey puppet who hasn’t been funny in 15 years – yes, we actually did that.
14. Gunge Mary Harney repeatedly for sh*ts and giggles
A green substance which has puzzled scientists and ruined suits for years, gunge is what happens when a celebrity or public figure is enclosed in glass whilst appearing on television. Although usually a light-hearted gesture, it is my proposal that Health Minister Mary Harney be enclosed forever on O’Connell St and subjected to non-stop, humiliating gunging for our amusement. With a penchant for taking oxymoron job titles and extended New Zealand trips at the public’s expense, the rotund politician’s ear-pitching wails of desperation could galvanise the country.
15. Admit the Spire was a bad idea
The French say “c’est ça?”, the Germans say “ist es das?”, but in any language all tourists first (and lasting) impression of our faceless, expensive monument are the same – “Is that it?”. At a cost of €4m, the “Millennium Spire” was unveiled in 2004 as a Government initiative to re-energise O’Connell Street, which had gone into decline due to its propensity for fast-food restaurants, litter and arcade machines. Nearly seven years later I think we can all safely agree, problem solved! However as a disappointing tourist attraction and uninspiring piece of art, the Spire’s flaws must be publicly acknowledged. I propose a €4m bronze statue to celebrate our national hero and figurehead of the 1916 Rising, Liam Neeson.
16. Encourage unemployed hoodlums to have break-dance fights
If cinema has taught us anything it’s that urban conflicts and quarrels must be settled in “the language of the streets” – meaning each group must cause great shame to one another by demonstrating superior body-popping skills. Unfortunately, with a rising tide of unemployment and dwindling job prospects, Ireland’s youth are more likely to stab each other repeatedly than “serve” gentlemen of whom they bear ill will. By removing the threat of violence, break-dance fights will also encourage domestic sales of ghetto-blasters, headbands and fingerless gloves.
17. Score more goals than France
Here’s cheeky chappy Thierry Henry up to his old tricks – oh, how we laughed
No matter the sport, it is imperative from now on that Ireland scores more than France.
18. Convert the Whole Country to .mp3
With dire job prospects for Irish at home and abroad it is important for the Irish Government to tackle both foreign multi-national investment and demonstrate the flexibility of its national workforce. Converting our population to .mp3 would demonstrate the Irish workers versatility in a wide variety of situations and formats.
19. Invent Hover Boards
The Back to the Future series could be in many ways representative of Irish ingenuity, both past and future. After all, the iconic Delorean supercar was assembled at Dunmurry, Northern Ireland. However with just five years left until we match up with the Back to the Future II future-timeline, many are eagerly anticipating 2015’s Jaws 19 by Max Spielberg and of course, the invention of Hover Boards.
Whilst Biff’s superior wind-up Hover Board is light years away from realisation, it is conceivable the Irish could be the first to invent this fully-functional, gravity-defying mode of personal transportation. In addition to creating thousands of jobs and winning the admiration of the world, Irish Hover Boards would finally expose the Segway for being the useless, clunky niche piece of crap that it is.
20. Trade Ryan Tubridy for Gok Wan
Let’s be honest, Tubs is actually doing a great job on the Late Late Show after being handed the unenviable task of replacing broadcasting behemoth Pat “Charisma” Kenny. However, what this country needs right now is exactly what Gok Wan provides – delusional self-worth. Whether it’s obese women or… okay it’s pretty only obese women he talks to, Gok is a master of easy manipulation and preventing gullible people from taking hard looks at themselves and forcing change.
With the Celtic Tiger licking its wounds right now, what it really needs is a good rub on the chin and to be told repeatedly that it’s “fabulous” and to “get it, girl!” after being forced to strip naked in front of a mirror beforehand. Whilst Tubridy’s departure would send shockwaves through the entertainment industry, it is undoubtedly a fair trade and perhaps the first step for Ireland, in one voice, to proclaim that we are not ashamed of our wobbly bits (unemployment rate, dependency on alcohol, existence of Crystal Swing) and are once ready to strut our stuff on the world stage.
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