Ah the 90s – the decade that looked back at the 80s in horror and deliberately tried to mute the fluorescence, remove the shoulder pads, and generally not look like a laughing stock for future generations.
With denim shirts, flannel and fringes back in fashion, the 90s revival is in full swing, with fashionistas considering what 90s fashion staples could be exhumed next.
One thing’s for sure though – no matter what recurring trends pop up in the coming months and years, some fashion failures need to stay dead and buried. Though we like to pretend fashion disasters didn’t happen, for every great grunge look in the 90s there was always another guy making his way down the road in a ‘Taz’ t-shirt, wearing Eclipse/X-Worx jeans, topped with a ‘NAFF’ jacket. And he’d be roller-blading towards us – oh God.
Everyone was doing it, even streetwise shark punks like these
Without further ado, here’s JOE’s top five Fashion don’ts from the decade that gave us the Tamagotchi, Mrs. Doubtfire and the inspirational pop stylings of D:REAM.
5. LA Gear Lights
Fair enough, they were ugly as sin – but look at the LIGHTS
Before they filed for bankruptcy in 1998, Los Angeles-based shoe company LA Gear were a highly successful brand, mostly specialising in basketball trainers. US sporting icons such as hoops hero Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Ice Hockey star Wayne Gretzky endorsed the brand, with celebs such as Belinda Carlisle and Paula Abdul getting in on the act.
In 1992 however, the company decided to take 90s footwear nonsense to the next level – having tried (and failed) to emulate Reebok’s highly popular ‘Pump’ shoes with their own ‘Emulator’ range, LA Gear’s next rival range took the biscuit, and put lights on it, with their LA Lights range.
Featuring red LED lights in their heels, LA Lights footwear would light up when the wearer’s feet hit the ground and would continue to do so after every step. What benefit this feature provided or what need it actually solved was never fully explained, but all 90s’ kids needed to know was that their footwear lit up as they walked, and yours didn’t.
Of course, after about an hour the lights wouldn’t work anymore, negating the only reason they were bought in the first place. Could this be the main reason the company went bust? Well either way, we reckon unless LA Gear manage to sort out the lights properly this time (and make them bigger, and shinier), don’t even think about it lads.
4. Adidas ‘Popper’ Tracksuit Bottoms
A rare un-popped version of the popular trackies
Here’s a great idea from Adidas – tracksuit bottoms with easily-operable buttons along the seams, thus ensuring your friends can rip the sides and leave you partially exposed in public. Based on NBA warm-up tracksuits, Adidas’ ‘Poppers’ tracksuit bottoms were a huge hit in the mid-Nineties, so much so that Italian clothing company Kappa even got in on the act, with 90s teenagers everywhere roaming the streets, undaunted by the constant threat of de-pantsing.
The allure of the popper design quickly faded though, as widespread “popping†led to increased social danger, combined with the fact Spice Girls lout Mel C was rumoured to have worn them once. The Sporty one’s endorsement was the final death knell of this “seemed like a good idea at the time†fashion trend.
3. Silly Hats
You’d be moody too if you managed to run yourself over with your own car
Unlike today’s three options of man hat (Trilby’s, caps or smurf-like baggy hats), East 17 singer Brian Harvey tried every single variation of hat in the 90s, inexplicably starting a couple of fashion trends in the process. Whether he wore completely vertical beanies, tilted flat caps, or even a… purple… sack (?) on his head, the Grinch-like crooner never missed an opportunity to look like a complete twat. In many ways, he was the Dappy of N-Dubz of the 90s, an impressive honour to be sure.
Thankfully, the fact that each headwear trend was plonked on the head of a man who once ate too many baked potatoes and ran himself over by accident (seriously, that did happen) means it’s unlikely that Harvey will ever punctuate our pop culture as a post-modern fashion icon. Well, not as long as people can still find photos of him dressed like this, that is.
2. Spandex
People actually got up early to look at the sight of this man
Spandex is a synthetic fibre known for both its elasticity and ability to make its wearer look absolutely ridiculous. In the mid-90s, hair-metal and glam acts had all but died out, with spandex largely reserved for fitness enthusiasts and cast members of Star Trek: The Next Generation. But what fitness enthusiasts they were, with lycra-clad, bum-bag wearing GMTV regular Mr. Motivator (pictured above) Derrick Evans leading the way.
When he wasn’t shilling rubbish Go-Ahead bars or thrusting his spandex-clad privates in our face at 7am (on TV, we promise), Evans released a number of fitness videos and became famous for his catchphrases ‘Get Wicked’ and ‘Everybody say HUH!’, which presumably they did at the sight of this cheery irritant. These days, like most discarded pseudo-erotic fashion trends, spandex lives on as a warped, online fetishistic attraction and future 00s fashion disaster – the dreaded ‘Jeggings‘.
1. Undercut Haircuts
Short back at the sides and… yep, leave the rest of it
The extreme version of the ‘Step’ haircut, the ‘Undercut’ was a particularly popular haircut whereby the top section of hair was held in place, whilst the side the back sections were cut, making the top half of the hair the polar opposite of the lower half.
Unlike the step haircut, however, the undercut style needed hairdressers to shave upwards from the demarcation line while holding the majority of hair upwards, thus allowing the the remaining hair to flop back into position. Basically, a step and undercut were identical to the untrained eye, until the wearer got caught by sharp gust of wind.
If I sound particularly knowledgeable on the intricacies of the undercut haircut, it’s because I graduated from a step haircut to an undercut in the mid-Nineties, an admission that shames me to this day.
Sure I went to see Super Mario Bros: The Movie rather than Jurassic Park, sure I bought PJ and Duncan’s Eternal Love on tape in the run up to Christmas 1994, and yes I did once say “thanks” to a ATM machine without thinking, but nothing to this day shames me more than the months I wore an undercut haircut. All evidence points to little return for this oft-maligned bowl haircut, though Justin Bieber is just one bad haircut away from starting the biggest 90s revival yet – be worried frends, be very worried indeed.
