Crazy Games: Buzkashi

By Robert Carry

Back when JOE was in primary school, the class was taken off to a farm to check out how the other half  – animals – live.

We marveled at the wooliness of the sheep, pinched our noses over the stink of the pigs and nearly cried in sympathy at the plight of the nanny goat.

The owner of the farm decided it would be a good idea for the hordes of excitable kids to get some hands-on farm experience. So, he tied the farm’s solitary goat to a fence post, shoved a bucket under its multi-nippled titty and lined the 30-or-so kids up for a crack at goat milking. The poor animal thrashed and kicked about as the groping children yanked furiously at one of its many nipples.

“There’s nothin’ comin’ ou! It’s bleedin’ empty mister!” we complained.

It was only afterwards, when we were strolling off leaving our bedraggled, violated victim in our wake like a German army unit fresh from a morning’s rampage in the French countryside, that the pangs of guilt started to set in. Goats are people too. Well not really, but still – we shouldn’t be setting mobs of screaming eight-year-olds on them.

Another thing we shouldn’t be doing to goats is knocking them out, hacking their heads off and tossing them among a mob of Afghan horsemen to fling around a playing pitch. Sadly that, essentially, is the basis of today’s Crazy Game: Buzkashi (goat grabbing).

Buzkashi is the national sport of Afghanistan but is also enjoyed in various other countries around the region. It is believed to be as much as 3,000 years old and is thought to have been a favourite game of the Mongol hordes.

Buzkashi – with the surprise inclusion of some house music

Once the goat has been decapitated, his (or her) headless carcass is placed in the center of a circle around which gathers two opposing teams of horsemen. The object of the game is to lean over the side of your horse, grab the carcass and fling it into your team’s scoring area.

However, there are so many horsemen crammed onto the field that only the most masterful ever get close to the hunk of flesh formerly known as goat. Competition is fierce and the players have been known to attempt to whip, punch and push their opponents off their steeds.

The games are normally sponsored by a local big cheese who puts up prizes – normally either money or fine clothes and turbans.

Although the game has been played for centuries, it burst onto our screens for the first time in Rambo III. In the movie, the Cold War was still going strong so our hero finds himself in Afghanistan working with the ‘Brave soldiers of the Mujahideen’ as they fought against the imperial oppressors of the occupying Soviet Army.

During one scene, Rambo notices a group of the lads having an ‘oul goat toss (might have been a sheep) and decides to get involved. The conversation between him and his Afghan buddy is pure unintentional comedy gold:

Rambo: “What are the rules?”

Afghan: “Well, you have to take the sheep, go once around, and then throw it in the circle.”

Rambo: “Why?”

Afghan: “Because there is a circle there.”

Rambo: “That’s it?”

Afghan: “That’s it. Very simple.”

Rambo: “Like football.”

Not really to be honest with you Rambo you feckin’ cabbage. There are no horses, decapitated goats, circles or Afghans involved in football.

Keep an eye out for what looks like a Ford Mondeo cruising through the middle of the playing field

 

Sadly, things have changed a lot since Rambo III taught us about world history. The Afghan guerrillas have become terrorists, the Americans are doing the occupying and the Russians are hanging around various Mediterranean holiday resorts in overly revealing plum smugglers.

But some things remain constant, and our information is that Afghans still knock a bit of fun out of dead goats.