You’re a man right? You chew tobacco, shave with a rusty knife and polish your boots with spit. However you have a dark secret which if divulged would turn you into a social pariah – an inability to appreciate football.
With the impending World Cup 2010 coming to ruin your conversations in the pub, your workplace or your partner’s lovely parents, what’s a man to do? At JOE we feel your pain and have helpfully chosen our top five spots that are a much better alternative to strolling aimlessly month-long with your fingers in your ears.
Whether you want to indulge in a tropical setting, rediscover wifi-less excursions or just visit a land undisturbed by football, we’ve scoured the internet to ensure you have a peaceful, brownie-winning trip with the other half. From Aruba to erm, Ballintubber, each location will make you look like a much-travelled man of substance rather than a drunken oaf shouting at little men on a TV screen.
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Aruba
Aruba is a living screensaver. With every documented photo resembling a white-sand paradise, it’s been said that the Caribbean island is the perfect spot to drink a Lilt while lying on a hammock wearing hat made of pineapples. Indeed Aruba has one of the highest standards of living in the Caribbean, ensuring it’s like Jamaica minus the armed robbery.
Aruba also has almost zero rainfall so you can sun yourself to Hulk Hogan-standards or enjoy the myriad of activities available, such as jeep safaris or deep sea diving. Of if you’re an animal-lover pop by the Aruba Donkey Sanctuary where you can pet the lovable Bono (no relation). Though the sanctuary is supposedly a rescue shelter for mistreated animals it’s tough to feel sorry for any donkey living it up in Aruba –  even the real Bono might enjoy the hypocrisy.
After a long month petting animals, avoiding coral and watching your sunbathing partner get gradually hotter each day; we recommend a sunset dinner at the spectacular Marandi Restaurant to cap a luxurious sporting sabbatical.
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Malta
Malta has three great things going for it as a holiday destination – its picturesque setting, Mediterranean climate and the fact their football team is absolutely rubbish. Ranked as the 157th worst team in the world right now, the Maltese clearly have too much time playing water polo and being named after delightfully light confectionary to worry about football.
One of the best ways to see the magnificent Grand Harbour in capital Valletta is to hitch a ride on a Maltese Dghajsa, a water taxi. Some dghajsas include audio guides to help your navigate the sights and all are reasonably priced. Alternatively if you’re looking to take a dip, book a boat trip to the aptly-named Blue Lagoon on the coast of Comino, a 1 square mile island perfect for swimming or snorkelling beneath its turquoise waters.
Finally if you’re a bit of a history buff you’ll be astounded by the Megalithic Temples of Malta, a UNESCO Heritage Site and believed to be over five thousand years old. The oldest free standings stone structures in the world, the temples are described by UNESCO as “unique architectural masterpieces†and must be seen to be believed. In all, a trip to Malta is a great excuse to experience historic sites and get away from it all in a peaceful, relaxed setting. Or you can stay at home and watch Slovenia Vs Algeria.
Vancouver
Everyone knows the entirety of North America couldn’t give a fiddle for “soccerâ€, but rather than their rambunctious neighbours we at JOE have settled on pleasant, politically correct Canada for our football hideaway. Fresh from their hosting the spring’s Winter Olympics, Vancouver is an ideal location for chopping lumber, fighting bears and growing a beard.
A coastal city in the western province of British Columbia, Vancouver is half-city, half-nature reserve, with its incredible skyline views in complete contrast to the unspoiled beauty of nearby Vancouver Island. From whale watching, golf and fishing, Vancouver has a plethora of adventure activities. On the other hand if you venture into the city centre you can take in a Vancouver Canucks ice-hockey game, the Canuck’s favourite sport.
For a treat to round out your Ireland escape, be sure to visit Grouse Mountain, the highest peak in Vancouver. With mountain zip lines, tandem paragliding and an award-winning restaurant, it’s a world away from the scampi fries and soggy beermats your friends will be getting to grips with back home.
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India
1.1 billion people and none of them can even kick a ball – perfect. The most popular sports in India are cricket and hockey so you may even be able to enjoy a whole month without having to lob a football back to any pesky street urchins. From Delhi, Jaipur or Bombay it’s hard to pick one city above any other so we didn’t – here’s our selection of highlights instead.
Whilst the Taj Mahal is most tourist’s first port of call it’s important to remember that the mausoleum is located in Agra, in the middle of… well nothing really. But it sure does look lovely. Don’t forget to get pushed around in Mumbai, the most populous city in the world, with an estimated 13 million inhabitants. While you’re there try the Mumbai Exotic Beach Tour, which has a beach – and is exotic.
If there’s one way Indians love to travel it’s by car, unfortunately. However that shouldn’t stop you from trying out a Camel Safari Adventure, a 17-night journey (goodbye World Cup group-stages!) encompassing all the major sights of India, beginning in Delhi and ending in the aforementioned Agra, taking in New Delhi tombs and desert camping. India is a true once in a lifetime visit for any traveller so there’s no better time to sneak out for a month without anyone noticing.
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Ballintubber, Co. Mayo
Hold on – now just let us explain ourselves! Although all the trips we’ve detailed are fantastic summer escapes, we can’t guarantee you won’t walk past a cheering pub or find your favourite websites are over-run with World Cup coverage. If you really want to avoid the tournament you need to lose the phone, lose the wifi and embark on a religious retreat to “engage in quiet time, prayer and contemplationâ€. Sounds perfect doesn’t it?
Located seven miles from Castlebar, the Ballintubber Abbey retreat includes a 22 mile pilgrim path to holy mountain of Croagh Patrick and the Celtic Furrow visitor centre. The appropriately-named Church Island is another part of your religious experience and is ideally suited for a good pray.
Ballintubber also allows individual retreats so you be left alone, surrounded with peace and serenity, possibly playing a Nintendo DS. The helpful retreat folks also ensure there’s no “pressure†on non-religious participants to enjoy the retreat either and the entire bumper package is just €20 a day. It may not be quite as exhilarating as punching bears, riding camels or scuba diving, but you won’t find agroup of people who care less about the World Cup than the party animals at Ballintubber Abbey.
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