It’s not difficult to find yourself sinking into nostalgia at the thought of your childhood years. The endless summer days, not having any bills to worry about and of course the hideously inappropriate confectionary.
By Robert Carry
We thought nothing of strutting out of a shop as an eight-year-old with 0.01 per cent proof shandy and 20 chocolate smokes but on reflection we chomped our way through some hideously inappropriate sweets. Here’s JOE.ie’s list of the most out-of-order confectionary to hit the Irish market.
Steelies
Back in the 80s possibly the most unappealing sweet ever to come into existence was all the rage among Irish youngsters – steelies. They consisted of a hard, round chewing gum covered in silver paint to make them look like a ball bearing.
You could buy these little balls of toxic material loose or by the pack and we delighted in noting how they left a glistening, metallic residue on your fingers if you held them for any more than a fleeting moment. Rumours abounded that they were gumball chewing gums spray-painted a shiny hue to make them more appealing to magpie-like youngsters. Eventually, someone somewhere decided that it might be a bad idea to feed children metallic paint and they were pulled from the market. We miss you, steelies.
Chocolate cigarettes
Confectionary manufacturers copped onto the fact that being a smoker was something to which many children aspired. With real cigarettes beyond our reach for a couple of years, they came up with a sweet which would allow us to get some practice in.
They came in a variety of forms – chocolate cigarettes with a papery white and yellow exterior replete with red tip was on popular rendition. Our favourites though, were a chalky, white sweet painted into a convincing replica. They had a hole in the centre and when you blew through it, a dusty podwer shot from the red tip and gave the impression of smoke. Genius.
Golly Bars
Ice-cream company HB filled our childhood with numerous delights such as Brunches, Wibbly Wobbly Wonders and the heroically racist Golly Bars. It consisted of a plain block of white vanilla ice-cream on a wooden stick, but for whatever reason the marketing desk at HB opted to package it in a paper wrapper emblazoned with images of a cheerful Golliwogg – a children’s character adopted as a term of abuse for Black people.
While many assume the Golly Bar was sold in numerous countries, it was in fact unique to our fair isle. Sadly, Golly Bars were withdrawn from shelves on the grounds of political incorrectness. It may have been racist, but we hadn’t a clue. It tasted nice. The good news is that there is a campaign (Facebook group) striving to bring about the return of the xenophobic treat. We’re all for it – just call it something else this time, for Christ’s sake.
Beer bottle sweets
Jellies come in all shapes and sizes but the undisputed king has always been the ‘cola bottle’. In a desperate attempt to snatch the crown, confectionary companies attempted some laterial thinking and introduced beer bottle sweets.
For the first time, young boys could pretend they were just like their Da by consuming miniature versions of his favourite tipple. Many an embryonic alcohol problem was kicked off with a youngster chomping on a beer bottle sweet and wondering about how wonderful life would be when the day came when he could swap them for the real thing.
If you feel like reeling in the years, click here. This crowd will post some of your favourites right to your door.
Club Shandy
For most of us however, beer bottle sweets were for foolish kiddies – the mad lads drank Club Shandy. It came in a dreary brown can, had a foul taste and a weird smell, but kids drank it by the gallon. Why? Because it was 0.01per cent alcohol.
Drinking a can of Club Shandy was the equivalent of telling your principal to f**k off – nonchalantly slugging a can of this gear made you the cheese. Parents were concerned, shopkeepers were happy, and anyone diligent enough to drink three cans in quick succession would always claim to be able to feel the effects. Drinking it through a straw helped too, if memory serves.
