When a film called The Expendables starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Randy Couture, Steve Austin and cameos from Bruce Willis and Arnie himself is made, you can bet your ass that fanboys the world over are going to be beating a path to their nearest cinema.
But can a film with so much machismo possibly live up to the hype? Well, Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables has finally arrived and not to put too fine a point on it, it really has left me with a bee in my bonnet.
The Expendables tells the tale of a group of mercenaries called The Expendables (odd choice of name since, well… watch the film and you’ll see) led by Barney Ross (Sly) who specialise in mayhem and carnage. After yet another successful mission, Barney and co are approached by the aptly named Mr Church (Bruce Willis) to do a job in some South American pisspot despot’s backyard. After a brief recon mission goes haywire, Barney and co head down south to remove said despot by any means necessary…. well actually they’re gonna blow the place to shit.
The Expendables was supposed to be Stallone’s tour de force of an action movie. The pinnacle of man on man violence, a collaboration of the greatest action stars of the last thirty years. But in the end it turned out to be a certified mess of a movie that will probably make millions at the box office leading to the inevitable sequels.
Glum
Why so glum, you say? Well, I grew up on a staple diet of Stallone movies and saw every cinematic offering he dished out. When he released the pensive John Rambo two years ago I was blown away by how he had matured as a filmmaker. I even compared him with a young Eastwood (Clint’s 80 and Sly is 65) such was the level of new found respect that I had for the man. But after watching The Expendables I realised that Rambo was a fluke and all the good work he did there has been undone by some frankly terrible direction, regardless of how many heads are exploded, decapitated or removed with a kick.
You see Stallone is incapable of directing an ensemble piece like The Expendables. He spends too much time on himself and Statham (maybe because Statham is the only box office draw in the movie) when other much more interesting characters like Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren (their scenes alone could have saved this) are given crumbs to work with.
His action scenes are just that, there is no fluidity to the action as he jumps from one fight to the other. When he tries to give each character their own “fight cam†it ends up looking like a promo reel for the sports that some of the actors are affiliated with (such as UFC’s Randy Couture and wrestling’s “Stone Cold†Steve Austin).
Even Statham and Jet Li get the same angles they always get on screen, while Stallone does some wall-running Argentine cage fighting take-down moves. He really is trying to appeal to a wide an audience as possible and who can blame him. Just don’t tell me this is anything more than a cash in on all the names on the poster.
A friend texted me after seeing The Expendables and used the old “it’s so bad it’s good†cliché and that really sums up the movie. There are certain films that are bullet proof, or critic proof to be precise. No matter what a reviewer says, the audience will go regardless, and that is as should be.
To that end, The Expendables is a complete and utter mess of a movie with a cliché ridden plot, way too many characters, some of the most insanely stupid dialogue ever uttered and so much blood spilled you may be expected to donate some after seeing it, but then again isn’t that what people want?
Andrew Kennedy
