The crystal-ball-gazing Paddy Power boys reckon Italy’s title defence will be worse than Britney Spears in the Unspoilt All American Virgin Of The Year 1999.
Here it is: Slovakia v Italy, as it’s going to happen.
1 min: Italy, playing in their traditional garb of blue, white and deep-rooted suspicion, kick off the game attacking the goal to my left. Well, they’re Italian so attacking isn’t the right word, but certainly they’re trying to keep the ball out of the goal to my right.
2 mins: The Italians have come out all guns blazing and even enter the Slovakian half for a split second in the second minute before Andrea Pirlo and Rino Gattuso exchange enough passes in front of their back four to have pundits spontaneously ejaculating.
Pirlo, Gattuso and spontaneous ejaculation
5 mins: There’s some confusion in the crowd as 15 scantily clad promotion girls realize that the tickets they were given by Silvio Berlusconi all have the same seat number and he’s already sitting in it, offering up his lap. Hey, if you don’t shoot…well you’d probably get a place in the Italian squad.
8 mins: Marek Hamsik – the man with the tattoos of a Hell’s Angel but crappy spiky hairdo of a Backstreet Boy – almost hits the target with spiffing pink shirt and baby blue cardigan combo.
13 mins: Gianluigi Buffon – ruled out of this game due to a bad dose of greasy hair – watches on intently from the sidelines. His replacement, Federico Marchetti, also loves kicking back and watching a game unfold, but sadly for Italy, he has a bad habit of doing it whilst on the pitch.
25 mins: Still no breakthrough. Italy are in serious danger of making this the worst title defence since Britney Spears relinquished her Unspoilt All American Virgin Of The Year Award 1999.
30 mins: GOAL! SLOVAKIA 0-1 ITALY.
Martin Skrtel is arrested and taken into custody for looking like a white supremacist. He’s soon released after its realised the only unsavoury group he’s involved with is the Liverpool defence. It’s just enough time for Fabio Cannavaro to haul his bones up the pitch for a corner and nod in unmarked from the top of his Vespa.
32 mins: The Italians are in control and Slovakia are desperate to quell the pressure. They briefly consider reuniting with the Czech Republic but as the best they have to offer is Milan Baros and Thomas ‘Mysterious Prolonged Absence’ Rosicky, reunification is put on hold.
Sniffer Chiellini
38 mins: Slovakian coach Vladimir Weiss is desperate to prove he’s not showing any favouritism towards his son, Mini-Vladimir. From the technical area he berates his offspring for failing to track back, poor passing and not tidying his room.
Half-time: The first period has come to a close and the Italians head to the dressing room for performance enhancing drugs treatment for wasps stings.
46 mins: Seemingly happy enough with a 1-0 lead, Italy start the second half with a 10-0-0 formation. This doesn’t do much for Slovakia’s chances of grabbing an equaliser, but it’s great practice for taking on Ireland in the Euro 2012 qualifiers.
78 mins: Giorgio Chiellini has been immense for Italy today with his reading of the game. He’s got a real nose for sniffing out danger. And eating ants.
82 mins: GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! SLOVAKIA 9-1 ITALY
Disaster for Italy as the Slovakians steal Fabio Cannavaro’s zimmerframe and hide it in the last place an Italian would ever look – behind a mirror. The team, substitutes and coaching staff are forced to search the ground leaving Marek Hamsik free to walk in nine goals and record a cover version of I Want It That Way.
85 mins: Mamma mia! Shad uppa ya face. I deplore the stereotyping of the Italians in any form so it’s good to see they’re defying one common prejudice. Traditionally considered slow starters at international tournaments, they’ve turned convention on it’s head by following up a slow start with an equally slow middle and end.
Full-time: Slovakia 9-1 Italy.
It’s going to take a serious amount of match-fixing to turn this result around in Italy’s favour, but don’t rule it out because there’s a truckload of Fiat Pandas en route to the Rainbow Nation as we speak.
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