Much like visiting an STD clinic, a trip to the airport is one of those trips you always imagine will turn out better than it actually does. On the surface it has everything you need – 24hr McDonald’s, hot foreigners who need help carrying their bags and, of course, gigantic Toblerones.
As any frequent-flyer will attest, though, the joy of chomping through Swiss triangular chocolate and watching planes take off is constantly overshadowed by the bane of every airport – other people. More than every other gigantic building full of people, airports really bring out an unparalleled level of irritants.
Our handy guide to the five most annoying people you meet at the airport is more than just a list, it’s JOE’s message that we feel your pain. We’ve handed over our laptops, bought books we didn’t need and stared silently at Ryanair passengers with “priority boardingâ€. So we’ve been there, done that, printed out the flight itinerary and helpfully provided our guide to spotting the soul-crushing idiots as early as possible.
Foreign-Exchange Students
Remember that time you went on holiday with your classmates? You were all so excited that you brought identical luminous back-packs, walked in tiny-file rows like a caterpillar and all sat down at the same time to form a gigantic holiday-maker blocking circle of students in the airport – right? Oh sorry, of course you didn’t, because you weren’t a mollycoddled bunch of morons.
Only in Ireland do we seem to see this annoying lot. They’re bad enough in packed city streets but drop them into airports and they’re intolerable – airport corridors being simply not designed for foreign-exchange students, and rightly so.
Trust us, if you look into the eyes of a man who’s just had to queue behind 100+ back-pack security checks you will see the face of death. Not to mention you can’t even help mildly alleviate your situation with a nice put-down or clever remark, it’ll probably fly right over their floppy hair.
Quite why foreign-exchange students believe they will lose oxygen and die if they drift ten inches away from a fellow classmate might be traced back to old Spanish ghost stories, but it’s just not on. We at JOE raise our first middle finger in a non-racist way at this close-knit group of wandering corridor-blockers.
Next: Stripping early for the security check>
People that strip way too early for the security check
As a general rule, hearing a male stranger unbuckle his belt behind you is always pretty unnerving. Luckily for JOE, this only happens at airports but that doesn’t make it any less worrisome. Since terrorists have tried to hoodwink airport security with everything from bomb-laden shoes to underwear though, we’ve all grown accustomed to the protracted process of handing over shoes, belts and laptops before a good aul’ security rubdown.
So why is it we’re increasingly confronted 20 feet from our goal to the sight of these excitable, belt-less, shoe-less chaps? It’s not right, not right at all, and for God’s sake tuck in your t-shirt while you’re at it. Sadly the site of these creepy, flabby wonders and their charcoal socks is all too common in today’s airports and can be especially grating.
Our advice? Terrorists may be succeeding in removing some of our (airport) freedoms, but that doesn’t mean they can take away our dignity too. Pull up your pants, put your damn socks back on and remember the only thing you should have ready early is that oft-forgotten laptop in your bag.
Old people who’ve forgetten how airports work
There are those that say medical advances have ensured humans are living far too long, to the point where most old people are only good for crapping their own pants, racist slang terms and causing car accidents. Not at JOE though, where we regularly sit by the fire and listen to the tales of our wise elders before… oh god, already? In the pants? Anyways, one of the oddest things about geriatrics at airports is their ability to completely forget how airports work, to the point where if yours go missing we recommend heading straight to the baggage conveyor.
Checking-in, handing over your passport, going through the security check, waiting at your gate – sounds simple but heaven forbid you’re stuck behind an oldie while queuing at any of these junctures. Checking-in becomes a negotiation, passports “shouldn’t be neededâ€, the security check has more beeps than Stevie Wonder’s kitchen smoke alarm and even getting on the plane requires at least 3 racist utterances towards the foreign air hostesses.
If your grandparents happen to be dead-set on coming along for your holiday, JOE recommends dropping by their nursing home, making sure they’re more doped-up than usual and putting a sombrero on their head. When they come to they’ll be none the wiser.
Stag night groups
“Wahey!â€- Alright, alright, calm down lads – we can all see you’re having a great time but it’s still eight in the morning and you’ve just thrown up all over our niece’s hair. Pity the poor passengers that have to board alongside a rag-tag group of eight or so lairy lads on a dreaded stag weekend. This group of irritants can usually be found hours before the flight in the airport pub, wearing toga outfits or trying to see how far away each can piss into an empty pint glass. What joy.
Like finding a group of bears rummaging through your bins, you should never attempt to reason with stag groups, nor offer them treats (such as unintentional glimpses of your partner’s cleavage). If left to their own devices, stag groups will then be arrested or found comatose in the bathroom, missing their flights.
So though they may appear to be the most vocal and rambunctious of all our featured annoyances, if handled correctly these bothersome oiks can ultimately be as docile as sleeping cows.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers
When he’s not playing a 16th century character with a crew-cut, Dub actor Meyers loves nothing more than blowing off a little steam by getting hammered, punching a waiter and resisting arrest, exclusively in airports. He’s not picky either, so whether it’s Dublin, JFK or Charles de Gaulle Airport the fifth-lead in Mission:Impossible 3 can be relied upon to cause a ruck, use the “N” word and generally act the goat.
Why airports though? The actor has been arrested in three airports in the last twelve months. These days a staggering, sweary Meyers has become as ubiquitous a presence in airports as Troll dolls were in the mid Nineties. To Meyers we say – foreign-exchange students, old people, stripping men and stag weekends are bad enough without any guff from a C-list actor. Supermarkets sell beer too, and drinking at home is a much cheaper option than getting langered and arrested in an airport.
